I dread making films. This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director. I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies. I love them. Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family. But I have an incredibly difficult time with school. It is very hard for me. Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth. I don't why its so hard for me. I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.
I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom. The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her. How I feel. She doesn't get it. That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either. Why is this so hard for me? I'm really good at the writing part. I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me. I am not a very organized person . I can't do this. I cannot do this.
My roommate has it all together. She's barely ever here, but she has it all together. She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life. I don't even know. I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am. I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules. In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am. I need to sleep. I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework. I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday. I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.
I thought that this would be different. I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it. I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter. I am just not good at this. I was supposed to be good at this. I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later. I don't fully understand that. I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it. Isn't that a problem?
My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it. I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with. I just want to be done. I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful. I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.
Whatever. I need to try to go do my homework now.
I wold pay for college. I know that's really boring, but college is expensive.... I mean its slightly ridiculous. Then I would buy lots of movies and books and maybe an apartment or condo. I would buy clothes that fit properly. I would go shopping at stores that I would never even consider walk in now. I would also buy a nice professional quality filmmaking equipment. I would love have my own stuff to mess around with. I think it would help my confidence level a lot. I would probably buy everything on my Amazon wish list. Give some of it to my mom and last I would have someone repair build a 1967 Chevy Impala (even though I can't drive, I want one). So yep.... that's about it.
I find myself with 18 day left in the semester and I am freaking out. I have to work on two short films, write approximately 9 different papers, at least two of which are research papers, and edit a short interview segment. I know that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is. One of the papers is on Francis Ford Coppola and the way he uses long/wide shots int he middle of scenes to increase drama. (at least that's what its about right now, but that's kind of hard to show with research). The rough draft was due last Friday and I haven't actually started on it. I'm working on the research part right now more than the actual writing, so i need to get on that. The two films are directed by two other students and they cannot get their acts together. So, my job as far as that goes is to remind them repeatedly that we have 18 days until the final cut is due. One of the films has not been cast and the other is being filmed in Indiana and I was supposed to be filmed on Sunday, but the shoot was cancelled. Do you know how annoying that is!!!! I was supposed to be done with my part of one of the films, by now, but no. So now as far as that goes I am just playing the waiting game. It's actually really fucking annoying.
So I am dealing with all of this and then I am dealing with the very real certainty of living with three brand new different people next semester and that's not really problem, except what if we don't get along. Besides which I am actually worried about my grades. For two reasons: one if I get lower than a C in either of my film classes, then I have to take them both over again,which would suck. Two, I really don't want to start my college career on academic probation. Argh. I have been thinking about going back home next semester and going to community college and getting all of my general education credits in. But that feels like a cop out and I am not sure that I'm ok with that. I don't know. It's hard I have yet to make any friend here, except my roommate and now she's not going to be here next semester. So great.... now I'm at college and I'm going to be that creepy person without friends. I just don't know what to do. I mean obviously I need to buckle down and just start doing as much of this work as I can, so that I can get through this semester and hopefully come in over the grade of C, so that I can continue on in the school.
If I go back home and go to community college, I want it to be next semester,because one of my best friends is still a senior in high school and I could hang out with her at least. I just don't know. I think I would be disappointed in myself, ifI had to go home, but to be totally honest I am already disappointed with myself, because I thought that college would be different and at the very least I would be good student. I should have realized that habits don't change just because your location does. Plus I think that I might have over passed the allowed absents in my First Year Seminar class, so fuck!!!! I'm going to email my teacher and check, because he likes me and I think that maybe he won't fail me. I hope. I just needed to vent and now I need to work and get something done, because when I accomplish something I get more motivated to continue working.
Ok... so totally cliche moment, but my mom. She always supported me in whatever I wanted to do. I assume she would have drawn the line at me wanting to kill people or commit grand theft auto. Other than that she is an incredibly strong person who got me through so much, just by being there. I knew that no matter what was happening that I always had one person on my team. I think that her existence was what proved to me that it gets better, because she was a lot like me in high school and she is very happy with her life now.
One of the other woman who really effected me was my theatre teacher in high school. Her name was Lara and she was my teacher for 2 years. She was a strong presence with more talent in her little finger than most of the Hollywood starlets combined. When she taught me, she was 26 and close enough to the age of her students to understand, sympathize, and joke. She worked us hard, but we learned so much. At the end of two years we had to do a 20 minute speech and I ran out of time. I had more to say than I had time. She taught me to communicate and express myself. Because of her, I became much more confident and unafraid to be myself. I owe her alot. She was a great teacher and she really created a family within the theatre class. It was awesome.
I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much. I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read. Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily. I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason. It's everything that I want in my life.
I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws. This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have. I'm 18 and I've never been kissed. I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date. I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal. My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out. She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing. Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school. On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close. I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected. I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do. I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest. I want what the people in these stories have.
I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff). I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship. I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head. I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues. I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.
One box of books
One box of Television shows
one steamer truck full of clothes
two 4 foot long duffels full of clothes
two smallish boxes full of randomness
a shower caddy
two empty bins
a shelf for the television shows
(possibly a shelf for the books)
two Rosie the Riveter bookends
a very small box of yarn
a binder of my movies
a suitcase to live out of on the drive
My room at home is approximately 132 square feet. My dorm room is approximately 365 square feet. That means that if I equally divide the space in my dorm room, my side of the room is 182.5 feet which is 30 more square feet than I have at home. It that's true I don't know why this stuff would be a problem. It might be all of my clothes, but it's about 1/8 of the rest of my stuff. It should all fit. But it still makes me nervous that I have to move into a room with out having ever seen it. If I could just look at it it would make my life a million times easier, I just need to see how much wall space I have. I am hoping that I won't have to send anything home, but I am a little worried that all my clothes won't fit.
I really didn't realize that the John McClane/Matt Farrell fandom was as big as it is. But I love it. I am trying to get my best friend into it and I might succeed, but I think she needs to watch the movies in order and I so don't have time, because I leave for college on the 22nd (I think).
This kinda an issue, because I am totally using livejournal to work out my issues, because none of my RL friends know that I have a livejournal and as far as I know, no one is reading this. (If you are reading this feel free to say hi.) I know that you probably don't care about my life, especially cause it is not very interesting. But I like the people on this site. I have yet to come across any of the really bitchy fans that everyone talks about. I am hoping that they don't really exist. Everyone I have commented on has been really friendly and I'm not part of any forums....so that could be part of the reason.
Ok well, I am off to go read (an actual, honest-to-goodness, paper book) and relax, so that I can sleep. goodnight.
You know... they probably want a serious answer, but I'm pretty happy with my computer, so my answer probably won't even resemble serious. the only really problems I've had with my computer have been mostly operator error, because I just switched to a Mac and prior to that I was a PC person.
On a random note, I'm really bummed that Apple ended the "and I'm a Mac" commercial campaign they were doing with Justin Long. It was awesome and very entertaining.
The only thing I have a problem with is trying to get somethings that are meant for windows to work on my Mac...like for example, if there is an imbedded Windows Media Player on a page, I don't know how to make it play. But other than that I'm happy.
I just have to say that I wouldn't say no to a computer that could take itself and me through time literally and had a magic printer that printed 3-D objects, so you didn't have to wait for them to ship.
I was born and bred in America, but I have the music of a barely known Estonian girl band in my library and I know all the words. Does that make me weird?
My friends would say: No, that's not what makes you weird.
Yeah...okay I'm weird because I have an obsession with slash and 80's action movies and genre television shows and then more slash. I read fanfiction like a fiend and in my sophomore year of high school it was the direct cause of some serious grade problems, but I don't write any.
I am so...tired, I guess. Do you know that feeling where you don't feel tired, but you eyes start to hurt and your contact lenses are getting blurry? Well, that seems to be my perpetual state of existence. Perhaps that's an indication that I should sleep. It is after all 2 am. ok well I shall try that then. After I read one more Die Hard Fanfic. I have no self control. Oh well, it is on my list of things to work on right up there with being to chatty.
Absolutely. I got like this about Charmed (TV show from 1998-2006) in middle school. I kinda grew out of it, but not really. There is a difference between now and then and its mostly that now I'm obsessed with like a million things, but normally one thing is at the forefront. this month it seems to be the Matt Farrell/John McClane relationship in Live Free or Die Hard. A couple of months ago it was the Terminator. Its been Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Smallville (specifically Clois) and NCIS and Booth/Bones on Bones and and the Jonas Brothers (that I mostly grew out of) and Supernatural (Wincest) and Brokeback Mountain and Harry Potter (always Harry Potter) and many, many more. Now basically I am just adding to it...I usually just tell people that I like television and movies. I try to stay up on all of my shows and news about anyone who is/was in them.
I am not really concerned about breaking free. I am more focused, at least right now with trying to use my passion for these things to learn and then create a career in one of these industries. I love all this stuff so much, but really I think its because I love characters. I love people and I hope that get me somewhere.