halliwelsis93: (Default)
Since I came to college, I have been having mondo writer's block.  Nothing is coming out.  It actually hasn't been the whole time I've been here, but just the last month.  Writing anything, especially anything academic has been very hard.  I need to write a paper on Family in Francis Ford Coppola's films and I just am not able to come up with a defining..... overarching theme.  I don't have any thoughts that transfer well to paper and I cannot come up with a thesis.  This is an immediate problem, because this paper is due in 12 hours and I would like sleep for approximately six of those, although that is looking very unlikely at this moment.  I don't know what aspect of family I am trying to talk about.  I don't know what to say.  I have so much information about Coppola in my head and at my disposal, but I don't know what its telling me.  I don't know and I have to write this paper or I am going to flunk out of college and the thing is that I might flunk out of college anyway.  I don't what to do or how to motivate and I just..... I just suck.  I hate plagiarism and I would never plagiarize, but just this once I wish that I had no morals and could plagiarize, because otherwise I don't know how this is going to happen.  Besides that I have a rough cut of two films due on Saturday.  The first film is is being filmed on Monday, does anyone else see a problem with that.  So I have something to do all day Monday and that sucks a lot.  Besides which the other film has yet to be cast and we still don't have actors and I just don't think that its doable.  I don't know what to do, because I think that I'm doing things that are the director's job and he think that he's doing my job.  We don't work well together and he's not even trying at this point and I'm only kind of trying and its causing issues and I just...... want to sleep.  I just want to sleep.  I can't write and I don't have anything to say.  I need a thesis and I hate myself right now.  This was not just my normal procrastination, I just didn't care and I don't know why and I don't know what i'm going to do, because I seriously might flunk out of college.  I don't do drugs.  I don't drink.  I don't party or do any of the things that normally trip people up during college.  I watch movies.  I watch movies and I watch television shows and I surf the internet.  those are my addictions and I had them managed, not quite as perfect as I wanted to be, but good enough.  Then I came here and at first I was doing really well, everything was in on time and I worked really hard, but something happened a month or two ago.  It was like I fell off of the wagon.  I couldn't stop myself from watching movies and watching tv.  I couldn't stop myself form being on Tumblr or watching West Wing at 4am.  I suddenly had no will power at all.  i don;t know what happened I don't know.  I don't understand.  I don't know what happened to me.  I wasted my mom's money and I can't believe I did that I told myself and her that I would do better in college, but I think what kept me on track in school was really her and the small tight knot community that was my school.  Here, I am just another person another student and after a semester of school I have no friends here.   I think that all of this has contributed to what I can only assume is mild depression.  I miss my mom and I miss my home and I just wanted to be better here.  I got it in my head that this would be different, but at least at home I had to leave my room everyday.  Here that is not true and I have to say that doesn't help.  I don't.... know what to do at this point my paper is now due in 11 hours and I wanted it to be good.  I wanted it to be good.   I wanted to better.  Why aren't I better?  What is the point of my existance when I can't do this??  I can't even get through half a semester in college without falling apart?? what is wrong with me???  What is wrong with me?

Fanfiction

Oct. 12th, 2010 12:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I love my fandoms.  I really do, but I'm not an active participant in forums or really anything else other than fanfiction.  I don't want to over think and therefore ruin any of my fandoms, so I really have no desire to discuss them intellectually.  

I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much.  I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read.  Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily.  I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason.  It's everything that I want in my life.  

I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws.  This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have.  I'm 18 and I've never been kissed.  I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date.  I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal.  My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out.  She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing.  Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school.  On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close.  I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected.  I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do.  I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest.  I want what the people in these stories have.  

I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff).  I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship.  I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head.  I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues.  I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.  
 

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halliwelsis93

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