halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I have been trying to write this paper for days and I cannot seem to get it out.  I am having a really hard time with this class.  I am afraid of turning writing in to this professor and I don't entirely understand why.  I want to write this piece and I think that I have finally figured out what to write it on after reading all of the options more than once.  But I still don't feel that I have any valid thoughts on this piece.  At least not that I can expound upon for 1000 words.  I wish that I could write him a paper on why I can't write this paper.  Critical Analyses terrify me. I emailed my professor and he said that he would be in his office all day, so now I simply have to find the courage to go down there and talk to him.  I don't know that he can help me.  I don't know why I am freaking out about this as much as I am.  I am starting to think that I may need to try to get medicated, because this cannot be how life is for everyone.  I cannot accep that.  But I am also not thrilled with the prospect.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown.  I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester.  I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out.  It looks like its going to be a lot of work.  I am not entirely sure that I can handle it.  Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class.  I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking.  I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes.  I don't know how I am going to do all of that.  It is a little stressful.  I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem.  I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it.  Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me.  I am tempted to drop the class.  But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this.  I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading.  I just can't believe that I am already stressed,  It is the first day of the new semester.  Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles?  I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no.  All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones.  I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note.  So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper.  Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow.  I just wish this was easy.  I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming.  That seems to be my downfall.  I can do this.  (If only I really believed that.

Issues

Oct. 22nd, 2013 11:56 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel like I bother everyone around me.  I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about.  I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either.  Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it.  When I have a thought, I want to share it.  Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst.  I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it.  And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone.  I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking.  I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.

Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up.  It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible.  She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle.  I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad.  I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career.  My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to.  I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help.  I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable.  For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that.  I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry.  I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction.  When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy.  When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing.  I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people.  it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.

The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it.  I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport.  I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid.  Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them.  I definitely struggle with my base instincts.  I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination.  I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later.  I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home.  I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me.  I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all.  I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like.  I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself.  I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.

Poetry

Dec. 2nd, 2011 10:59 pm
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am having real trouble with my poetry unit.  Ok not really, but I have a really hard time analyzing poetry.  I feel that there is not enough there to analyze.  It's just so stupid.  Not that poetry isn't interesting.... its just that I don't understand how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between the author's tone and the "speaker's" tone.   It fucking impossible, way harder than with prose.  I am so tired, but I have to get this done, because even though I have the day off I won't have internet access on Wednesday and there is no way I'll get this stuff done.  I mean its not that hard, I just feel like everything I say is stupid and makes no sense.  It seems to me that there is no clear answer and I have a hard time with that.  I know people say that Literature is subjective, but that not really true.  I mean no matter what you say War and Peace is not about Dinosaurs from space who blew up their planet and eat chewing gum.  Just like when I pull some of these analyses out of thin air, they don't really work.  But I so don't have the energy to find something that does work.   I have been staring at this poem for like 45 mins and I just have nothing to say about the characterization, because I'm honestly not sure that there is any.  I have nothing to say about the tone either and who the fuck I am to say whether a poem is good or not.  I honestly just wish that we had a mobile hot spot.  I would make my life much simpler.  And at the same time it wouldn't do shit to change anything.  Except for maybe I'd be asleep right now, but probably not even that.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
 1. Been drunk. 

2. Touched a real gun.

3. Done drugs. 

4. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.

5. Had sex

6. Got into a fist fight.

7. Listened to Lady Gaga. 

8. Been in a car accident.

9. Gotten suspended.


10. Gotten expelled.

11. Got a computer virus.

12. Had a dog.


13. Been pregnant.

14. Camped out.

15. Swam in the ocean.

16. Wore a bikini.


17. Meet someone online in person.

18. Failed a class.

19. Read an entire book. 

20. Wore fishnets.


21. Bought skinny jeans.

22. Been in love.

23. Been cheated on.

24. Cheated on someone.

26. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex 

27. Worn makeup.

28. Been to college. 


29. Worn colored contacts.

30. Painted my nails black.

31. Broken someone’s heart.

32. Had my heart broken.

33. Cried for an hour straight. 

34. Lost something very valuable.

35. Had sex in a car. 

37. Gotten stung by a bee.

38. Eaten something bad/expired.

39. Threw up from being so drunk.

40. Owned an iPod.

41. Owned an iPhone.
42. Fell for a best friend.

43. Went away from home for more than a week.


44. Ran away but came back anyway.

45. Teased my brother/sister. 

46. Been to the hospital.

47. Lied to a friend.

48. Lied to a family member.


49. Started a rumor about someone. 

50. Cut yourself
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I don't know what to do.  I need to film this short film or I am going to flunk out of my film class.  The problem is that all of the cameras are checked out.  I am going to  try to piggyback on someone elses shoot, but if I can't....  I don't know what to do short of buying a Bolex and I am not even sure they sell them anymore.  Aaaaahhhh!  If I don't get this done my mother is going to kill me.  Not literally, but I will get a tongue lashing, like you cannot believe.  I'm gonna try to fix it, but what if I can't?  What if I can't get this shot before Monday, when its due.  I'll be so upset.  The final cut isn't due, but the film is.  Aaaahhh!  It's weird though, because I am calmer now than I was before I knew that all the cameras were booked.  I don't know why.  I'm going to get everything ready, like I'm going to shoot it this weekend and pray that the universe likes me.  I'm also going to call the Film Cage again in the morning and see if something has changed, God do I hope.  I think this easier for me to deal with, because I know what to do.  I work better in panic mode, which is interesting in of itself.  The worst thing to happen would be if I couldn't get this filmed and in before the rest of the deadlines.  These classes are expensive and I need to get a job.  Right now.  I need to start making money right now, so that if I do fail this class, I can pay my mo mback for it as soon as possible.  God do I hate this, but at least now I have plan of attack.  Somehow, now that this is harder, its easier to deal with.  There is something seriously wrong with me.  I have to go work on other homwork now that I'm no longer queasy.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am having such a problem right now.  I have no motivaiton to do anything.  I am turning things in late and not doing my work until the last minute.  Right now I need a camera on Sunday to film this short film that I am working on.  If don't get it in I am going to flunk out of college and my mom is going to disown me or something.  

I dread making films.  This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director.  I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies.  I love them.  Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family.  But I have an incredibly difficult time with school.  It is very hard for me.  Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth.  I don't why its so hard for me.  I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.  

I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom.  The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her.  How I feel.  She doesn't get it.  That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either.  Why is this so hard for me?  I'm really good at the writing part.  I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me.  I am not a very organized person .  I can't do this.  I cannot do this.

My roommate has it all together.  She's barely ever here, but she has it all together.  She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life.  I don't even know.  I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am.  I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules.  In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am.  I need to sleep.  I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework.  I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday.  I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.  

I thought that this would be different.  I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it.  I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter.  I am just not good at this.  I was supposed to be good at this.  I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later.  I don't fully understand that.  I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it.  Isn't that a problem?

My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it.  I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with.  I just want to be done.  I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful.  I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.  

Whatever.  I need to try to go do my homework now.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
Since I came to college, I have been having mondo writer's block.  Nothing is coming out.  It actually hasn't been the whole time I've been here, but just the last month.  Writing anything, especially anything academic has been very hard.  I need to write a paper on Family in Francis Ford Coppola's films and I just am not able to come up with a defining..... overarching theme.  I don't have any thoughts that transfer well to paper and I cannot come up with a thesis.  This is an immediate problem, because this paper is due in 12 hours and I would like sleep for approximately six of those, although that is looking very unlikely at this moment.  I don't know what aspect of family I am trying to talk about.  I don't know what to say.  I have so much information about Coppola in my head and at my disposal, but I don't know what its telling me.  I don't know and I have to write this paper or I am going to flunk out of college and the thing is that I might flunk out of college anyway.  I don't what to do or how to motivate and I just..... I just suck.  I hate plagiarism and I would never plagiarize, but just this once I wish that I had no morals and could plagiarize, because otherwise I don't know how this is going to happen.  Besides that I have a rough cut of two films due on Saturday.  The first film is is being filmed on Monday, does anyone else see a problem with that.  So I have something to do all day Monday and that sucks a lot.  Besides which the other film has yet to be cast and we still don't have actors and I just don't think that its doable.  I don't know what to do, because I think that I'm doing things that are the director's job and he think that he's doing my job.  We don't work well together and he's not even trying at this point and I'm only kind of trying and its causing issues and I just...... want to sleep.  I just want to sleep.  I can't write and I don't have anything to say.  I need a thesis and I hate myself right now.  This was not just my normal procrastination, I just didn't care and I don't know why and I don't know what i'm going to do, because I seriously might flunk out of college.  I don't do drugs.  I don't drink.  I don't party or do any of the things that normally trip people up during college.  I watch movies.  I watch movies and I watch television shows and I surf the internet.  those are my addictions and I had them managed, not quite as perfect as I wanted to be, but good enough.  Then I came here and at first I was doing really well, everything was in on time and I worked really hard, but something happened a month or two ago.  It was like I fell off of the wagon.  I couldn't stop myself from watching movies and watching tv.  I couldn't stop myself form being on Tumblr or watching West Wing at 4am.  I suddenly had no will power at all.  i don;t know what happened I don't know.  I don't understand.  I don't know what happened to me.  I wasted my mom's money and I can't believe I did that I told myself and her that I would do better in college, but I think what kept me on track in school was really her and the small tight knot community that was my school.  Here, I am just another person another student and after a semester of school I have no friends here.   I think that all of this has contributed to what I can only assume is mild depression.  I miss my mom and I miss my home and I just wanted to be better here.  I got it in my head that this would be different, but at least at home I had to leave my room everyday.  Here that is not true and I have to say that doesn't help.  I don't.... know what to do at this point my paper is now due in 11 hours and I wanted it to be good.  I wanted it to be good.   I wanted to better.  Why aren't I better?  What is the point of my existance when I can't do this??  I can't even get through half a semester in college without falling apart?? what is wrong with me???  What is wrong with me?
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am staying in a dorm with 3 other people and I am the only one that is even considering coming back to Columbia College next semester.  One is going back home, one is going to go to community college for a semester and then coming back and one is switching colleges permanently.  I am not doing so well on the college front.  I am having problems keeping myself on task.  The internet and tv are very distracting and at college I have no one breathing down my neck telling me to do my work.

I find myself with 18 day left in the semester and I am freaking out.  I have to work on two short films, write approximately 9 different papers, at least two of which are research papers, and edit a short interview segment.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is.  One of the papers is on Francis Ford Coppola and the way he uses long/wide shots int he middle of scenes to increase drama.  (at least that's what its about right now, but that's kind of hard to show with research).  The rough draft was due last Friday and I haven't actually started on it. I'm working on the research part right now more than the actual writing, so i need to get on that.  The two films are directed by two other students and they cannot get their acts together.  So, my job as far as that goes is to remind them repeatedly that we have 18 days until the final cut is due.  One of the films has not been cast and the other is being filmed in Indiana and I was supposed to be filmed on Sunday, but the shoot was cancelled.  Do you know how annoying that is!!!! I was supposed to be done with my part of one of the films, by now, but no. So now as far as that goes I am just playing the waiting game.   It's actually really fucking annoying.  

So I am dealing with all of this and then I am dealing with the very real certainty of living with three brand new different people next semester and that's not really problem, except what if we don't get along.  Besides which I am actually worried about my grades.  For two reasons: one if I get lower than a C in either of my film classes, then I have to take them both over again,which would suck.  Two, I really don't want to start my college career on academic probation.  Argh.  I have been thinking about going back home next semester and going to community college and getting all of my general education credits in.  But that feels like a cop out and I am not sure that I'm ok with that.  I don't know.  It's hard I have yet to make any friend here, except my roommate and now she's not going to be here next semester.  So great.... now I'm at college and I'm going to be that creepy person without friends.   I just don't know what to do.  I mean obviously I need to buckle down and just start doing as much of this work as I can, so that I can get through this semester and hopefully come in over the grade of C, so that I can continue on in the school.  

If I go back home and go to community college, I want it to be next semester,because one of my best friends is still a senior in high school and I could hang out with her at least.  I just don't know.  I think I would be disappointed in myself, ifI had to go home, but to be totally honest I am already disappointed with myself, because I thought that college would be different and at the very least I would be good student.  I should have realized that habits don't change just because your location does.  Plus I think that I might have over passed the allowed absents in my First Year Seminar class, so fuck!!!!  I'm going to email my teacher and check, because he likes me and I think that maybe he won't fail me.  I hope. I just needed to vent and now I need to work and get something done, because when I accomplish something I get more motivated to continue working.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am officially at college, but I have yet to leave my dorm and actually do college things.  I don't know, it's weird.  I live in downtown Chicago and I just can't get the motivation to leave my dorm.  It's really bad.  I don't really want to be here, but I feel uncomfortable leaving.  I have things that I want to go to, but I have no one to go with which makes it even harder.  I don't know if I can do this.  Maybe, once I find some friends and have some people to hang out with it will be easier, but first I need to leave my dorm, because I don't think I'm going to have any life long connections to my suitemates.  It's hard living in the dorm I do, because we share it with other colleges and so not everyone I come across in the hallway goes to my school.  I have never been good at making friends and so I anticipate this being easy for me.  I just need to find someone who is on the same page I am and misses their mother as much as I do.  I knew I was going to be far away, but it feels like I'm all alone.  I come from a small town, so even though I didn't like everyone I knew everyone and I did a lot with my mother.  I hope I find someone to go to the movies with and to hang out with.  I hope I find someone who genuinely likes me and doesn't just tolerate me hanging around.  I have an abrasive personality and some serious walls I think what I think and I am not terrifically good at compromises, but if you are my friend I am loyal and funny and always there for, even when you're being stupid.  I have no friends.  My best friend is across the country and I feel like no one here could possibly understand all of my insanity.  I have a self defense class on the schedule tomorrow and then a giant open mic type thing called Big Mouth.  I hope I make friends at one of those.  I think that once I get out even if I don't make friends it will make it easier to get out the next day.  I am just kinda freaked out and I pray to god that if I don't make any friends in the next week that I make some once school starts.  AAAAAHHHHHH!
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am a little worried that I'm taking too much stuff to college.  I'm taking.....
One box of books
One box of Television shows
one steamer truck full of clothes
two 4 foot long duffels full of clothes
two smallish boxes full of randomness
posters
a shower caddy
two empty bins
a shelf for the television shows
(possibly a shelf for the books)
two Rosie the Riveter bookends
a very small box of yarn
a binder of my movies
a suitcase to live out of on the drive


My room at home is approximately 132 square feet.  My dorm room is approximately 365 square feet.  That means that if I equally divide the space in my dorm room, my side of the room is 182.5 feet which is 30 more square feet than I have at home.  It that's true I don't know why this stuff would be a problem.  It might be all of my clothes, but it's about 1/8 of the rest of my stuff.  It should all fit.  But it still makes me nervous that I have to move into a room with out having ever seen it.  If I could just look at it it would make my life a million times easier,  I just need to see how much wall space I have.  I am hoping that I won't have to send anything home, but I am a little worried that all my clothes won't fit.  

Unsure

Aug. 17th, 2010 02:28 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I have six days until I drive across the country to go to college.  It will my first time being away from my mother for more than the month (and the time I was away from her for a month didn't go well, I got extremely homesick).  I'm not sure I can do this.  I say that I'm independent, and I am I can do my own laundry and cook for myself and when I'm motivated I can clean and I am decent office worker.  The issue is that for all of my decisions I depend on her.  I am afraid to load new programs onto my computer when she's not home, even though I have Macbook and she wouldn't know what to do if something went wrong anyway.  I don't know if I can do this.  Ia m not the kid who can't wait to get away from home and I'm not excited about college.  Shouldn't I be excited?  I'm worried about missing my mom and I'm worried that I won't make friends.  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am a good friend or at least I think I am, but getting out of the acquaintance zone and into the friends zone is not an easy thing.   I'm worried that I'm not creative enough.  I have no good short film ideas and I'm trying.  everything I think of has been done or is based on something that has been done, so I don't feel good about it.  I can't create characters and when I try I tend to make them perfect versions of people that I  know.  I don't think that I will ever end up doing what I want to, because I don't think that I have enough creativity to creat a world like J.K. and Joss did.  I feel that I am a watcher and not even the cool kind like Giles, but that kind of person who is always on the fringe.  When I hang out with friends no matter who it is I am never really part of the group, but I'm on the fringe.  Even, when it's my best friends.  I am always the one who is weird.  I don't get it and I don't know why and I'm actually getting a little fed up.  I was over at a friend's house about a week ago and we were taking all kinds of pictures and having fun.  My two friends look great and funny and on occasion sexy in the pictures and I just look retarded.  I'm not funny at all when I m put under pressure.  I can be funny and I do crack jokes, but when someone looks at me or points a camera at me and says do something funny, I freeze.  I hate it.  It's very annoying.  I am also not ready to leave my best friend behind.  We have been friends for ten years and she is a year younger than me.  We watch almost all of the same movies and tv shows and have all kinds of inside jokes.  I don't know how I am going to make friends like that in college.  There is this bond that comes with growing up together and I don't see how I could ever be that close with someone I meet in college.  they won't have the full story.  They won't understand my relationship with my mom or where I am coming from when I speak.  I don't know how people do this.  I know that its supposed to be a growing experience, but what if I don't want to go.  I'm comfortable right where I am, which I guess is the problem.  I could happily stay here in high school for another year.  I thought I was ready to go and at the end of the year I felt ready, but now I wish I was going back to AHS.  It's comfortable and I understand it.  I was sick of it and I'm sure if I were to go back I would be sick of it again within a week, but I guess as much as it sucks, its safe.  

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