halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown.  I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester.  I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out.  It looks like its going to be a lot of work.  I am not entirely sure that I can handle it.  Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class.  I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking.  I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes.  I don't know how I am going to do all of that.  It is a little stressful.  I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem.  I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it.  Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me.  I am tempted to drop the class.  But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this.  I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading.  I just can't believe that I am already stressed,  It is the first day of the new semester.  Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles?  I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no.  All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones.  I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note.  So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper.  Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow.  I just wish this was easy.  I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming.  That seems to be my downfall.  I can do this.  (If only I really believed that.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.

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halliwelsis93

July 2016

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