I have been trying to write this paper for days and I cannot seem to get it out. I am having a really hard time with this class. I am afraid of turning writing in to this professor and I don't entirely understand why. I want to write this piece and I think that I have finally figured out what to write it on after reading all of the options more than once. But I still don't feel that I have any valid thoughts on this piece. At least not that I can expound upon for 1000 words. I wish that I could write him a paper on why I can't write this paper. Critical Analyses terrify me. I emailed my professor and he said that he would be in his office all day, so now I simply have to find the courage to go down there and talk to him. I don't know that he can help me. I don't know why I am freaking out about this as much as I am. I am starting to think that I may need to try to get medicated, because this cannot be how life is for everyone. I cannot accep that. But I am also not thrilled with the prospect.
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown. I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester. I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out. It looks like its going to be a lot of work. I am not entirely sure that I can handle it. Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class. I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking. I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes. I don't know how I am going to do all of that. It is a little stressful. I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem. I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it. Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me. I am tempted to drop the class. But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this. I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading. I just can't believe that I am already stressed, It is the first day of the new semester. Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles? I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no. All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones. I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note. So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper. Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow. I just wish this was easy. I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming. That seems to be my downfall. I can do this. (If only I really believed that.
I am having real trouble with my poetry unit. Ok not really, but I have a really hard time analyzing poetry. I feel that there is not enough there to analyze. It's just so stupid. Not that poetry isn't interesting.... its just that I don't understand how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between the author's tone and the "speaker's" tone. It fucking impossible, way harder than with prose. I am so tired, but I have to get this done, because even though I have the day off I won't have internet access on Wednesday and there is no way I'll get this stuff done. I mean its not that hard, I just feel like everything I say is stupid and makes no sense. It seems to me that there is no clear answer and I have a hard time with that. I know people say that Literature is subjective, but that not really true. I mean no matter what you say War and Peace is not about Dinosaurs from space who blew up their planet and eat chewing gum. Just like when I pull some of these analyses out of thin air, they don't really work. But I so don't have the energy to find something that does work. I have been staring at this poem for like 45 mins and I just have nothing to say about the characterization, because I'm honestly not sure that there is any. I have nothing to say about the tone either and who the fuck I am to say whether a poem is good or not. I honestly just wish that we had a mobile hot spot. I would make my life much simpler. And at the same time it wouldn't do shit to change anything. Except for maybe I'd be asleep right now, but probably not even that.
I don't know what to do. I need to film this short film or I am going to flunk out of my film class. The problem is that all of the cameras are checked out. I am going to try to piggyback on someone elses shoot, but if I can't.... I don't know what to do short of buying a Bolex and I am not even sure they sell them anymore. Aaaaahhhh! If I don't get this done my mother is going to kill me. Not literally, but I will get a tongue lashing, like you cannot believe. I'm gonna try to fix it, but what if I can't? What if I can't get this shot before Monday, when its due. I'll be so upset. The final cut isn't due, but the film is. Aaaahhh! It's weird though, because I am calmer now than I was before I knew that all the cameras were booked. I don't know why. I'm going to get everything ready, like I'm going to shoot it this weekend and pray that the universe likes me. I'm also going to call the Film Cage again in the morning and see if something has changed, God do I hope. I think this easier for me to deal with, because I know what to do. I work better in panic mode, which is interesting in of itself. The worst thing to happen would be if I couldn't get this filmed and in before the rest of the deadlines. These classes are expensive and I need to get a job. Right now. I need to start making money right now, so that if I do fail this class, I can pay my mo mback for it as soon as possible. God do I hate this, but at least now I have plan of attack. Somehow, now that this is harder, its easier to deal with. There is something seriously wrong with me. I have to go work on other homwork now that I'm no longer queasy.