I hate living with my stepdad. This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook. I actually cried. He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome. I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing. He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other. She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help. And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck. Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did. Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home. His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down. I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people. I don't have many friends. I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong. I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me. I definitely feel stuck.
I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home.
A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was. Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize. I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet. So i went on this rant. I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother. I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad. I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer. I feel like I looked like a complete basket case. Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period). I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.
Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts. It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair. It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period. I was horrified and felt betrayed. It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him. I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not. He is my uncle. I love him very much, but we are not particularly close. I don't think that he should have that information. I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner. She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it. She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.
Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me. Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases. Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.
I just feel so stupid and exposed. I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was.
I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go. I have yet to find the people like me. I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is. I don't even know. There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved. Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night. I don't understand. I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.
I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things. I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out. Actually most people seem to tune me out. It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about. Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things. I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.
I don't even really know what I want to do. I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible. Other than that I have no fucking clue. I can't even decide what I want to do this fall. Do I go back to school and try to get through that? Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options? If I stay do I talk some community college courses? Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's? I have no idea. Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all. I think I'm kinda burnt out.
I have not the foggiest idea. I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible. I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time. Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word. Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction. I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot. I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile. I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing. I want to know everything. Wouldn't that be nice?
I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films. I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for. I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing. Is that really shocking to anyone? and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day. I just have one more: I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon. I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.
A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go. The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need. MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment. The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12. I win bitch. To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff. To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that..... no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you. To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.
Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
I dread making films. This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director. I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies. I love them. Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family. But I have an incredibly difficult time with school. It is very hard for me. Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth. I don't why its so hard for me. I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.
I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom. The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her. How I feel. She doesn't get it. That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either. Why is this so hard for me? I'm really good at the writing part. I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me. I am not a very organized person . I can't do this. I cannot do this.
My roommate has it all together. She's barely ever here, but she has it all together. She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life. I don't even know. I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am. I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules. In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am. I need to sleep. I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework. I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday. I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.
I thought that this would be different. I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it. I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter. I am just not good at this. I was supposed to be good at this. I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later. I don't fully understand that. I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it. Isn't that a problem?
My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it. I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with. I just want to be done. I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful. I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.
Whatever. I need to try to go do my homework now.
I find myself with 18 day left in the semester and I am freaking out. I have to work on two short films, write approximately 9 different papers, at least two of which are research papers, and edit a short interview segment. I know that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is. One of the papers is on Francis Ford Coppola and the way he uses long/wide shots int he middle of scenes to increase drama. (at least that's what its about right now, but that's kind of hard to show with research). The rough draft was due last Friday and I haven't actually started on it. I'm working on the research part right now more than the actual writing, so i need to get on that. The two films are directed by two other students and they cannot get their acts together. So, my job as far as that goes is to remind them repeatedly that we have 18 days until the final cut is due. One of the films has not been cast and the other is being filmed in Indiana and I was supposed to be filmed on Sunday, but the shoot was cancelled. Do you know how annoying that is!!!! I was supposed to be done with my part of one of the films, by now, but no. So now as far as that goes I am just playing the waiting game. It's actually really fucking annoying.
So I am dealing with all of this and then I am dealing with the very real certainty of living with three brand new different people next semester and that's not really problem, except what if we don't get along. Besides which I am actually worried about my grades. For two reasons: one if I get lower than a C in either of my film classes, then I have to take them both over again,which would suck. Two, I really don't want to start my college career on academic probation. Argh. I have been thinking about going back home next semester and going to community college and getting all of my general education credits in. But that feels like a cop out and I am not sure that I'm ok with that. I don't know. It's hard I have yet to make any friend here, except my roommate and now she's not going to be here next semester. So great.... now I'm at college and I'm going to be that creepy person without friends. I just don't know what to do. I mean obviously I need to buckle down and just start doing as much of this work as I can, so that I can get through this semester and hopefully come in over the grade of C, so that I can continue on in the school.
If I go back home and go to community college, I want it to be next semester,because one of my best friends is still a senior in high school and I could hang out with her at least. I just don't know. I think I would be disappointed in myself, ifI had to go home, but to be totally honest I am already disappointed with myself, because I thought that college would be different and at the very least I would be good student. I should have realized that habits don't change just because your location does. Plus I think that I might have over passed the allowed absents in my First Year Seminar class, so fuck!!!! I'm going to email my teacher and check, because he likes me and I think that maybe he won't fail me. I hope. I just needed to vent and now I need to work and get something done, because when I accomplish something I get more motivated to continue working.
I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much. I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read. Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily. I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason. It's everything that I want in my life.
I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws. This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have. I'm 18 and I've never been kissed. I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date. I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal. My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out. She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing. Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school. On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close. I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected. I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do. I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest. I want what the people in these stories have.
I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff). I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship. I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head. I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues. I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.