halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 

Issues

Oct. 22nd, 2013 11:56 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel like I bother everyone around me.  I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about.  I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either.  Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it.  When I have a thought, I want to share it.  Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst.  I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it.  And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone.  I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking.  I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.

Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up.  It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible.  She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle.  I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad.  I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career.  My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to.  I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help.  I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable.  For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that.  I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry.  I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction.  When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy.  When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing.  I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people.  it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.

The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it.  I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport.  I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid.  Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them.  I definitely struggle with my base instincts.  I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination.  I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later.  I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home.  I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me.  I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all.  I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like.  I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself.  I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.

Poetry

Dec. 2nd, 2011 10:59 pm
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am having real trouble with my poetry unit.  Ok not really, but I have a really hard time analyzing poetry.  I feel that there is not enough there to analyze.  It's just so stupid.  Not that poetry isn't interesting.... its just that I don't understand how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between the author's tone and the "speaker's" tone.   It fucking impossible, way harder than with prose.  I am so tired, but I have to get this done, because even though I have the day off I won't have internet access on Wednesday and there is no way I'll get this stuff done.  I mean its not that hard, I just feel like everything I say is stupid and makes no sense.  It seems to me that there is no clear answer and I have a hard time with that.  I know people say that Literature is subjective, but that not really true.  I mean no matter what you say War and Peace is not about Dinosaurs from space who blew up their planet and eat chewing gum.  Just like when I pull some of these analyses out of thin air, they don't really work.  But I so don't have the energy to find something that does work.   I have been staring at this poem for like 45 mins and I just have nothing to say about the characterization, because I'm honestly not sure that there is any.  I have nothing to say about the tone either and who the fuck I am to say whether a poem is good or not.  I honestly just wish that we had a mobile hot spot.  I would make my life much simpler.  And at the same time it wouldn't do shit to change anything.  Except for maybe I'd be asleep right now, but probably not even that.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is so much that I would say to my stepdad if I could.  I hate him.  After living with the fucking man for 10 years, I can safely say that it's not because he invaded the twosome that my mom and I had going, at least not most of it.  My mother married a jackass.  She completely failed at marrying her father if that's what she was trying to do.  My grandfather is a very smart, caring, accomplished man.  My stepdad is the opposite.  He has no employable skills.  He never graduated from college.  He was a ski patroller for many years and he was good at that, but he quit recently, because it was too hard.  He has some pretty good artistic skills with drawing, painting and photography, but he never even tried to promote himself and he hasn't done anything artistic in years.  My mom takes more pictures than he does.  He is deaf in one ear and loosing his hearing in the other ear and all he does is complain about it.  He wears a hearing aid, but only because my mom set that up for him.  He won't go out and when he does he doesn't talk and then when we get home he just complains about how everything is too loud for him.  On days that he's ot working he sleeps until 3pm.  Even I only sleep till 10am at the latest.  He only has the job that he currently has, because my mom is the boss.  That is true of me as well, but I am also pretty good at and very confident in my job.  He is neither.  He complains about everything all the time and doesn't do anything to fix it.  I hate him.  He used to scream at me like you wouldn't believe.  He even pushed me down the stairs once and choked me twice.  I have no reason to like this man.  Feel bad for him sometimes, but like him.... no.   On top of all of this, he is depressed and doesn't really do anything, besides g to work and sit at the house.  That's a little what I do too, but that's because all my friends are away at college.  All of his friends are still here, he has no excuse.  

Apparently, that makes me selfish.  Thinking that my mom is worth and deserves, so much more than this is selfish.  I'm not going to say that I don't want him gone for me as well, but Jesus Christ.... he's like the world's biggest moocher.  I think that I pay more towards the bills and mortgage every month than he does and I'm not paying that much rent.   

I can be bratty and selfish, but I'm just saying that my mom and I were getting along perfectly all day until he came home.  He changes the vibe of the house and makes me angry just by existing.

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halliwelsis93

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