Issues

Oct. 22nd, 2013 11:56 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel like I bother everyone around me.  I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about.  I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either.  Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it.  When I have a thought, I want to share it.  Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst.  I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it.  And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone.  I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking.  I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.

Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up.  It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible.  She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle.  I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad.  I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career.  My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to.  I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help.  I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable.  For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that.  I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry.  I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction.  When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy.  When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing.  I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people.  it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.

The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it.  I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport.  I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid.  Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them.  I definitely struggle with my base instincts.  I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination.  I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later.  I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home.  I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me.  I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all.  I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like.  I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself.  I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
 1. Been drunk. 

2. Touched a real gun.

3. Done drugs. 

4. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.

5. Had sex

6. Got into a fist fight.

7. Listened to Lady Gaga. 

8. Been in a car accident.

9. Gotten suspended.


10. Gotten expelled.

11. Got a computer virus.

12. Had a dog.


13. Been pregnant.

14. Camped out.

15. Swam in the ocean.

16. Wore a bikini.


17. Meet someone online in person.

18. Failed a class.

19. Read an entire book. 

20. Wore fishnets.


21. Bought skinny jeans.

22. Been in love.

23. Been cheated on.

24. Cheated on someone.

26. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex 

27. Worn makeup.

28. Been to college. 


29. Worn colored contacts.

30. Painted my nails black.

31. Broken someone’s heart.

32. Had my heart broken.

33. Cried for an hour straight. 

34. Lost something very valuable.

35. Had sex in a car. 

37. Gotten stung by a bee.

38. Eaten something bad/expired.

39. Threw up from being so drunk.

40. Owned an iPod.

41. Owned an iPhone.
42. Fell for a best friend.

43. Went away from home for more than a week.


44. Ran away but came back anyway.

45. Teased my brother/sister. 

46. Been to the hospital.

47. Lied to a friend.

48. Lied to a family member.


49. Started a rumor about someone. 

50. Cut yourself
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I don't know what to do.  I need to film this short film or I am going to flunk out of my film class.  The problem is that all of the cameras are checked out.  I am going to  try to piggyback on someone elses shoot, but if I can't....  I don't know what to do short of buying a Bolex and I am not even sure they sell them anymore.  Aaaaahhhh!  If I don't get this done my mother is going to kill me.  Not literally, but I will get a tongue lashing, like you cannot believe.  I'm gonna try to fix it, but what if I can't?  What if I can't get this shot before Monday, when its due.  I'll be so upset.  The final cut isn't due, but the film is.  Aaaahhh!  It's weird though, because I am calmer now than I was before I knew that all the cameras were booked.  I don't know why.  I'm going to get everything ready, like I'm going to shoot it this weekend and pray that the universe likes me.  I'm also going to call the Film Cage again in the morning and see if something has changed, God do I hope.  I think this easier for me to deal with, because I know what to do.  I work better in panic mode, which is interesting in of itself.  The worst thing to happen would be if I couldn't get this filmed and in before the rest of the deadlines.  These classes are expensive and I need to get a job.  Right now.  I need to start making money right now, so that if I do fail this class, I can pay my mo mback for it as soon as possible.  God do I hate this, but at least now I have plan of attack.  Somehow, now that this is harder, its easier to deal with.  There is something seriously wrong with me.  I have to go work on other homwork now that I'm no longer queasy.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am having such a problem right now.  I have no motivaiton to do anything.  I am turning things in late and not doing my work until the last minute.  Right now I need a camera on Sunday to film this short film that I am working on.  If don't get it in I am going to flunk out of college and my mom is going to disown me or something.  

I dread making films.  This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director.  I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies.  I love them.  Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family.  But I have an incredibly difficult time with school.  It is very hard for me.  Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth.  I don't why its so hard for me.  I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.  

I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom.  The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her.  How I feel.  She doesn't get it.  That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either.  Why is this so hard for me?  I'm really good at the writing part.  I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me.  I am not a very organized person .  I can't do this.  I cannot do this.

My roommate has it all together.  She's barely ever here, but she has it all together.  She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life.  I don't even know.  I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am.  I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules.  In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am.  I need to sleep.  I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework.  I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday.  I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.  

I thought that this would be different.  I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it.  I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter.  I am just not good at this.  I was supposed to be good at this.  I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later.  I don't fully understand that.  I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it.  Isn't that a problem?

My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it.  I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with.  I just want to be done.  I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful.  I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.  

Whatever.  I need to try to go do my homework now.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
Since I came to college, I have been having mondo writer's block.  Nothing is coming out.  It actually hasn't been the whole time I've been here, but just the last month.  Writing anything, especially anything academic has been very hard.  I need to write a paper on Family in Francis Ford Coppola's films and I just am not able to come up with a defining..... overarching theme.  I don't have any thoughts that transfer well to paper and I cannot come up with a thesis.  This is an immediate problem, because this paper is due in 12 hours and I would like sleep for approximately six of those, although that is looking very unlikely at this moment.  I don't know what aspect of family I am trying to talk about.  I don't know what to say.  I have so much information about Coppola in my head and at my disposal, but I don't know what its telling me.  I don't know and I have to write this paper or I am going to flunk out of college and the thing is that I might flunk out of college anyway.  I don't what to do or how to motivate and I just..... I just suck.  I hate plagiarism and I would never plagiarize, but just this once I wish that I had no morals and could plagiarize, because otherwise I don't know how this is going to happen.  Besides that I have a rough cut of two films due on Saturday.  The first film is is being filmed on Monday, does anyone else see a problem with that.  So I have something to do all day Monday and that sucks a lot.  Besides which the other film has yet to be cast and we still don't have actors and I just don't think that its doable.  I don't know what to do, because I think that I'm doing things that are the director's job and he think that he's doing my job.  We don't work well together and he's not even trying at this point and I'm only kind of trying and its causing issues and I just...... want to sleep.  I just want to sleep.  I can't write and I don't have anything to say.  I need a thesis and I hate myself right now.  This was not just my normal procrastination, I just didn't care and I don't know why and I don't know what i'm going to do, because I seriously might flunk out of college.  I don't do drugs.  I don't drink.  I don't party or do any of the things that normally trip people up during college.  I watch movies.  I watch movies and I watch television shows and I surf the internet.  those are my addictions and I had them managed, not quite as perfect as I wanted to be, but good enough.  Then I came here and at first I was doing really well, everything was in on time and I worked really hard, but something happened a month or two ago.  It was like I fell off of the wagon.  I couldn't stop myself from watching movies and watching tv.  I couldn't stop myself form being on Tumblr or watching West Wing at 4am.  I suddenly had no will power at all.  i don;t know what happened I don't know.  I don't understand.  I don't know what happened to me.  I wasted my mom's money and I can't believe I did that I told myself and her that I would do better in college, but I think what kept me on track in school was really her and the small tight knot community that was my school.  Here, I am just another person another student and after a semester of school I have no friends here.   I think that all of this has contributed to what I can only assume is mild depression.  I miss my mom and I miss my home and I just wanted to be better here.  I got it in my head that this would be different, but at least at home I had to leave my room everyday.  Here that is not true and I have to say that doesn't help.  I don't.... know what to do at this point my paper is now due in 11 hours and I wanted it to be good.  I wanted it to be good.   I wanted to better.  Why aren't I better?  What is the point of my existance when I can't do this??  I can't even get through half a semester in college without falling apart?? what is wrong with me???  What is wrong with me?

Profile

halliwelsis93: (Default)
halliwelsis93

July 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
1718 1920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 24th, 2017 04:38 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios