halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 

Issues

Oct. 22nd, 2013 11:56 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel like I bother everyone around me.  I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about.  I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either.  Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it.  When I have a thought, I want to share it.  Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst.  I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it.  And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone.  I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking.  I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.

Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up.  It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible.  She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle.  I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad.  I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career.  My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to.  I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help.  I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable.  For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that.  I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry.  I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction.  When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy.  When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing.  I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people.  it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.

The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it.  I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport.  I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid.  Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them.  I definitely struggle with my base instincts.  I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination.  I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later.  I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home.  I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me.  I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all.  I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like.  I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself.  I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.

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halliwelsis93

July 2016

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