halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
[personal profile] halliwelsis93
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 

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halliwelsis93

July 2016

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