halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown.  I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester.  I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out.  It looks like its going to be a lot of work.  I am not entirely sure that I can handle it.  Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class.  I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking.  I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes.  I don't know how I am going to do all of that.  It is a little stressful.  I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem.  I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it.  Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me.  I am tempted to drop the class.  But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this.  I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading.  I just can't believe that I am already stressed,  It is the first day of the new semester.  Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles?  I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no.  All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones.  I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note.  So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper.  Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow.  I just wish this was easy.  I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming.  That seems to be my downfall.  I can do this.  (If only I really believed that.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 

Fanfiction

Aug. 11th, 2013 04:13 am
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
You know what it the most annoying is abandoned fanfiction.  I now only read completed stuff, because it is so frustrating when people just walk away from a story I'm enjoying.  It's just an frustrating if, I am going through a fic rec list and can't find a complete fic that sounds interesting.

I definitely devote way too much time to this shit and I am sure this is entirely uninteresting.  I mean no one reads this though, so what does it matter.  I have no updated it in something like 9 months and no one said boo about it.

On another random, note I saw The Way Way Back last night and it was really good.  I was convinced it was by the same people who did Away We Go, but I can find nothing that connects them except that Allison Janney and Maya Rudolph were in both.  I felt that they played similar characters as well, but whatever.

Also, i started watching Orange is the New Black and I am in love with the character of Alex Vause.  (I think that she should hang out with Derek Hale, whom I also love.)  I think that OiTNB is great and all the characters are so well rounded and I think that the acting is phenomenal.  I know that in real life Piper got out of prison and married Larry, but I am hoping that in the show she gets back together with Alex permanently.  Although honestly, I am not sure how that would work.

I am reading alot of Sterek fanfiction and I was into McDanno at the beginning of the summer and it seems to be coming back.  My rant above was prompted by me looking for some Mark/Eduardo fanfiction.

My computer seems to be shutting itself off alot.  I am wondering if I need to shut it down more or something. I am hoping that it doesn't need to be replaced, because that would suck and I can't even imagine.  It would be so fucking expensive.  The screen just randomly cuts out and then I can't use the keys.  I have to shut it down and turn it back on and everything is fine.  I wish that it would stop, its stressful.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I want to write stuff.  I really like to think up stories in my head.  Mostly, its fanfiction, but some of it is original stories and I think that it might be pretty good.  If I could get it on paper.  Which doesn't seem to be happening.  That is my biggest problems with writing.  I am good at stream of consciousness, but I am not as comfortable writing stories, because I don't think they are very good.  I don't think that my journal entries like this are very good either, but I don't think that matters that much.  I judge my writing very harshly, but since I don't let myself write, I don't know how in the fuck I am going to get any better.  It is a conundrum.  I constantly have all kinds of stories in my head and I never finish any of them.  It's pathetic.  Although that is not true, I finish the one shots, but that is because I sit down and write them the same way that I am writing this in a stream without stopping until I am done.  I think there is something wrong with me, I love to read and write, but I cannot seem to write the type of things that I like to read.  I don't even know. I think that I am going to try to write regularly again and it is not going to go well, but I shall try.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I don't know what to do.  I need to film this short film or I am going to flunk out of my film class.  The problem is that all of the cameras are checked out.  I am going to  try to piggyback on someone elses shoot, but if I can't....  I don't know what to do short of buying a Bolex and I am not even sure they sell them anymore.  Aaaaahhhh!  If I don't get this done my mother is going to kill me.  Not literally, but I will get a tongue lashing, like you cannot believe.  I'm gonna try to fix it, but what if I can't?  What if I can't get this shot before Monday, when its due.  I'll be so upset.  The final cut isn't due, but the film is.  Aaaahhh!  It's weird though, because I am calmer now than I was before I knew that all the cameras were booked.  I don't know why.  I'm going to get everything ready, like I'm going to shoot it this weekend and pray that the universe likes me.  I'm also going to call the Film Cage again in the morning and see if something has changed, God do I hope.  I think this easier for me to deal with, because I know what to do.  I work better in panic mode, which is interesting in of itself.  The worst thing to happen would be if I couldn't get this filmed and in before the rest of the deadlines.  These classes are expensive and I need to get a job.  Right now.  I need to start making money right now, so that if I do fail this class, I can pay my mo mback for it as soon as possible.  God do I hate this, but at least now I have plan of attack.  Somehow, now that this is harder, its easier to deal with.  There is something seriously wrong with me.  I have to go work on other homwork now that I'm no longer queasy.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am staying in a dorm with 3 other people and I am the only one that is even considering coming back to Columbia College next semester.  One is going back home, one is going to go to community college for a semester and then coming back and one is switching colleges permanently.  I am not doing so well on the college front.  I am having problems keeping myself on task.  The internet and tv are very distracting and at college I have no one breathing down my neck telling me to do my work.

I find myself with 18 day left in the semester and I am freaking out.  I have to work on two short films, write approximately 9 different papers, at least two of which are research papers, and edit a short interview segment.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is.  One of the papers is on Francis Ford Coppola and the way he uses long/wide shots int he middle of scenes to increase drama.  (at least that's what its about right now, but that's kind of hard to show with research).  The rough draft was due last Friday and I haven't actually started on it. I'm working on the research part right now more than the actual writing, so i need to get on that.  The two films are directed by two other students and they cannot get their acts together.  So, my job as far as that goes is to remind them repeatedly that we have 18 days until the final cut is due.  One of the films has not been cast and the other is being filmed in Indiana and I was supposed to be filmed on Sunday, but the shoot was cancelled.  Do you know how annoying that is!!!! I was supposed to be done with my part of one of the films, by now, but no. So now as far as that goes I am just playing the waiting game.   It's actually really fucking annoying.  

So I am dealing with all of this and then I am dealing with the very real certainty of living with three brand new different people next semester and that's not really problem, except what if we don't get along.  Besides which I am actually worried about my grades.  For two reasons: one if I get lower than a C in either of my film classes, then I have to take them both over again,which would suck.  Two, I really don't want to start my college career on academic probation.  Argh.  I have been thinking about going back home next semester and going to community college and getting all of my general education credits in.  But that feels like a cop out and I am not sure that I'm ok with that.  I don't know.  It's hard I have yet to make any friend here, except my roommate and now she's not going to be here next semester.  So great.... now I'm at college and I'm going to be that creepy person without friends.   I just don't know what to do.  I mean obviously I need to buckle down and just start doing as much of this work as I can, so that I can get through this semester and hopefully come in over the grade of C, so that I can continue on in the school.  

If I go back home and go to community college, I want it to be next semester,because one of my best friends is still a senior in high school and I could hang out with her at least.  I just don't know.  I think I would be disappointed in myself, ifI had to go home, but to be totally honest I am already disappointed with myself, because I thought that college would be different and at the very least I would be good student.  I should have realized that habits don't change just because your location does.  Plus I think that I might have over passed the allowed absents in my First Year Seminar class, so fuck!!!!  I'm going to email my teacher and check, because he likes me and I think that maybe he won't fail me.  I hope. I just needed to vent and now I need to work and get something done, because when I accomplish something I get more motivated to continue working.

Randomness

Jul. 25th, 2010 02:37 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I feel like writing....this is just going to be a stream of consciousness and stuff...there will not be actual sentences...continue at your own risk...if there is some thought in here I really like I will pull it out and write another post just about that...however at this particular moment I am just enjoying the sensation of typing.  I watched the first episode of Doctor Who today...whenever I start to type Doctor, I want to automatically shorten it to Dr....I guess that's what happens when you work in a Dr.'s office...anyway I like Rose and find that Doctor Who make a lot more sense when you start from the beginning...I have a friend who will not stop going on about it and the only reason I'm watching it is to be in on the joke... I also watched Bend It Like Beckham for the first time in a very long time....I still like it and I wish there was more Jess/Joe fanfiction and less Jess/Jules fanfiction...I love Jonathan Rhys Meyers, although I just found out today that Rhys is pronounced like reese...Reese reminded me of Kyle Reese, who is awesome and loves Sarah Connor very much....speaking of which Linda Hamilton is playing Chuck's on the TV show Chuck, so now I am going to have to watch at least those episodes...coming back to my original train of thought...because I have to watch Doctor Who, I am going to make my friend watch Die Hard...perhaps the whole series (so far) because they are awesome and John McClane is kickass...I love 80's action movies, can't you tell...I also watched Rookie Blue today... I found that it resembled grey's Anatomy, which I don't really watch, but know a far bit about, because I try to pay attention to pop culture...I seem to have attached myself to a relationship which is not the one I was supposed to and is not going to last, which is kinda bumming me out...I then watched the LXD episodes that I had missed  and I found that a lot of people really don't like it... or at least the people who are taking time to comment...I liked this one episode called Robot Lovestory...it was like a silent movie and so of course it reminded me of the Buffy episode Hush.....then I got an unbearable urge to read Matt Farrell/John McClane fanfiction and I found a user that has an stellar Supernatural icon...its from the Mystery Spot episode and its Dean doing his little Heat of the Moment dance....I really liked it....I forgot to say that I watched Warehouse 13 too...which for some reason, despite it being really bad, I really like...I don't know I think that its because of the artifacts...ok i don't really have anything else to say...except now I'm think about the 3rd Die Hard, which to be frank is probably my least favorite and now I can't remember the title...Samuel L. Jackson was in it, but I mostly found his character annoying...god...what was it called...number 1 is Die Hard, number 2 is Die Hard 2: Die Harder...I got it number 3 is Die Hard With a Vengeance and number 4 is Life Free or Die Hard....they are making a fifth one, but the title has not been announced yet...I am excited for the movie RED, but I am going to have no one to go with...which is a bummer and one of the downsides to moving so far away from my mother...ok yeah, i'm a momma's girl, but my dad is an asshole and lives across the country, so there was no way I was gonna be a daddy's girl....no way in hell... I am going to miss my mom a lot.... I am almost thinking that I don't want to go...I don't think that I'm ready to go...I think the big bad world might chew me up and spit me out, but in't that the point don't I have to take that risk.....It's just very scary and I don't feel ready...ok on that note I should go to bed and dream of Bruce Willis....goodnight to anyone who happens to be bored enough to be reading this.

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halliwelsis93

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