Fanfiction

Oct. 12th, 2010 12:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I love my fandoms.  I really do, but I'm not an active participant in forums or really anything else other than fanfiction.  I don't want to over think and therefore ruin any of my fandoms, so I really have no desire to discuss them intellectually.  

I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much.  I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read.  Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily.  I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason.  It's everything that I want in my life.  

I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws.  This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have.  I'm 18 and I've never been kissed.  I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date.  I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal.  My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out.  She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing.  Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school.  On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close.  I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected.  I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do.  I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest.  I want what the people in these stories have.  

I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff).  I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship.  I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head.  I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues.  I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.  
 

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halliwelsis93: (Default)
halliwelsis93

July 2016

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