halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
My mom just spilled wine all over the front passenger side floor mat of my car.  I overreacted and said that I wasn't going to let her drink anymore.  I shouldn't have said that.  I said it because I am still upset with her about the copying my texts and sending them to my uncle thing and because she had 4 glasses of wine tonight.

She got mad at me and told me that because I didn't know where to stop, she wasn't going to pay for my car anymore.  I tried to say to her that if I spilled wine in her car she would be very upset with me.  She said yeah and implied that was because she pays for her car.  That is a factor and I do have a free car that I am extremely grateful for, because I could not afford it otherwise.  However, the fact that I have to pay for the car to be detailed now is not the only factor.  I am also that person that this mainly effects (which is why it doesn't matter to her at all).  I have to drive that car and if our family borrows the car over Christmas I will be the person that is blamed.  I had a right to be upset, if not as upset as I was.  Despite the fact that the car is not legally mine, I consider it mine and I really don't like it when other people brake or damage my stuff.  This is not a big deal and I did overreact.  I understand why she was mad.  However, she never really apologized and she is still ignoring what she did wrong with the texting.  She seems to think that the lesson out of all of this is that she shouldn't share things with me.  I find it completely baffling that it doesn't seem to occur to her that she simply shouldn't do these things.  Then she could share whatever she wanted with me.  I know that the wine was an accident and I don't think that I was honestly reacting to that.  I think that most of my reaction was about things that I didn't get to say about the other thing.  The real problem, for me, in the fact that she clearly thinks I am being ridiculous about the texts and it is a problem for me.  If I wouldn't have told him myself, he shouldn't have the information.  I now am going to spend the whole time that my uncle is here feeling awkward.  I know that she thinks that is my fault and absurd, but it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't given him the information.

She's right.  She probably shouldn't have told me.  She seemed to think that it was a laugh, but it wasn't and I didn't need to know.  I don't understand what exactly she thought would be funny to me, but it is what it is.  I think that more than anything she should have been aware that it affected me.  I don't want to be mad at her for it, but I don't know how to work through it, because she makes me feel like we can't discuss it, because she can just declare the conversation over at any moment.  My emotions might be ridiculous and illogical, but they are still how I feel and i have a right to them.  I just feel all roiled up and icky inside. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is so much that I would say to my stepdad if I could.  I hate him.  After living with the fucking man for 10 years, I can safely say that it's not because he invaded the twosome that my mom and I had going, at least not most of it.  My mother married a jackass.  She completely failed at marrying her father if that's what she was trying to do.  My grandfather is a very smart, caring, accomplished man.  My stepdad is the opposite.  He has no employable skills.  He never graduated from college.  He was a ski patroller for many years and he was good at that, but he quit recently, because it was too hard.  He has some pretty good artistic skills with drawing, painting and photography, but he never even tried to promote himself and he hasn't done anything artistic in years.  My mom takes more pictures than he does.  He is deaf in one ear and loosing his hearing in the other ear and all he does is complain about it.  He wears a hearing aid, but only because my mom set that up for him.  He won't go out and when he does he doesn't talk and then when we get home he just complains about how everything is too loud for him.  On days that he's ot working he sleeps until 3pm.  Even I only sleep till 10am at the latest.  He only has the job that he currently has, because my mom is the boss.  That is true of me as well, but I am also pretty good at and very confident in my job.  He is neither.  He complains about everything all the time and doesn't do anything to fix it.  I hate him.  He used to scream at me like you wouldn't believe.  He even pushed me down the stairs once and choked me twice.  I have no reason to like this man.  Feel bad for him sometimes, but like him.... no.   On top of all of this, he is depressed and doesn't really do anything, besides g to work and sit at the house.  That's a little what I do too, but that's because all my friends are away at college.  All of his friends are still here, he has no excuse.  

Apparently, that makes me selfish.  Thinking that my mom is worth and deserves, so much more than this is selfish.  I'm not going to say that I don't want him gone for me as well, but Jesus Christ.... he's like the world's biggest moocher.  I think that I pay more towards the bills and mortgage every month than he does and I'm not paying that much rent.   

I can be bratty and selfish, but I'm just saying that my mom and I were getting along perfectly all day until he came home.  He changes the vibe of the house and makes me angry just by existing.

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halliwelsis93

July 2016

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