halliwelsis93: (Default)
I want to write stuff.  I really like to think up stories in my head.  Mostly, its fanfiction, but some of it is original stories and I think that it might be pretty good.  If I could get it on paper.  Which doesn't seem to be happening.  That is my biggest problems with writing.  I am good at stream of consciousness, but I am not as comfortable writing stories, because I don't think they are very good.  I don't think that my journal entries like this are very good either, but I don't think that matters that much.  I judge my writing very harshly, but since I don't let myself write, I don't know how in the fuck I am going to get any better.  It is a conundrum.  I constantly have all kinds of stories in my head and I never finish any of them.  It's pathetic.  Although that is not true, I finish the one shots, but that is because I sit down and write them the same way that I am writing this in a stream without stopping until I am done.  I think there is something wrong with me, I love to read and write, but I cannot seem to write the type of things that I like to read.  I don't even know. I think that I am going to try to write regularly again and it is not going to go well, but I shall try.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
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I wold pay for college.  I know that's really boring, but college is expensive....  I mean its slightly ridiculous.  Then I would buy lots of movies and books and maybe an apartment or condo.  I would buy clothes that fit properly.  I would go shopping at stores that I would never even consider walk in now.  I would also buy a nice professional quality filmmaking equipment.  I would love have my own stuff to mess around with.  I think it would help my confidence level a lot.  I would probably buy everything on my Amazon wish list.  Give some of it to my mom and last I would have someone repair build a 1967 Chevy Impala (even though I can't drive, I want one).  So yep.... that's about it.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
Since I came to college, I have been having mondo writer's block.  Nothing is coming out.  It actually hasn't been the whole time I've been here, but just the last month.  Writing anything, especially anything academic has been very hard.  I need to write a paper on Family in Francis Ford Coppola's films and I just am not able to come up with a defining..... overarching theme.  I don't have any thoughts that transfer well to paper and I cannot come up with a thesis.  This is an immediate problem, because this paper is due in 12 hours and I would like sleep for approximately six of those, although that is looking very unlikely at this moment.  I don't know what aspect of family I am trying to talk about.  I don't know what to say.  I have so much information about Coppola in my head and at my disposal, but I don't know what its telling me.  I don't know and I have to write this paper or I am going to flunk out of college and the thing is that I might flunk out of college anyway.  I don't what to do or how to motivate and I just..... I just suck.  I hate plagiarism and I would never plagiarize, but just this once I wish that I had no morals and could plagiarize, because otherwise I don't know how this is going to happen.  Besides that I have a rough cut of two films due on Saturday.  The first film is is being filmed on Monday, does anyone else see a problem with that.  So I have something to do all day Monday and that sucks a lot.  Besides which the other film has yet to be cast and we still don't have actors and I just don't think that its doable.  I don't know what to do, because I think that I'm doing things that are the director's job and he think that he's doing my job.  We don't work well together and he's not even trying at this point and I'm only kind of trying and its causing issues and I just...... want to sleep.  I just want to sleep.  I can't write and I don't have anything to say.  I need a thesis and I hate myself right now.  This was not just my normal procrastination, I just didn't care and I don't know why and I don't know what i'm going to do, because I seriously might flunk out of college.  I don't do drugs.  I don't drink.  I don't party or do any of the things that normally trip people up during college.  I watch movies.  I watch movies and I watch television shows and I surf the internet.  those are my addictions and I had them managed, not quite as perfect as I wanted to be, but good enough.  Then I came here and at first I was doing really well, everything was in on time and I worked really hard, but something happened a month or two ago.  It was like I fell off of the wagon.  I couldn't stop myself from watching movies and watching tv.  I couldn't stop myself form being on Tumblr or watching West Wing at 4am.  I suddenly had no will power at all.  i don;t know what happened I don't know.  I don't understand.  I don't know what happened to me.  I wasted my mom's money and I can't believe I did that I told myself and her that I would do better in college, but I think what kept me on track in school was really her and the small tight knot community that was my school.  Here, I am just another person another student and after a semester of school I have no friends here.   I think that all of this has contributed to what I can only assume is mild depression.  I miss my mom and I miss my home and I just wanted to be better here.  I got it in my head that this would be different, but at least at home I had to leave my room everyday.  Here that is not true and I have to say that doesn't help.  I don't.... know what to do at this point my paper is now due in 11 hours and I wanted it to be good.  I wanted it to be good.   I wanted to better.  Why aren't I better?  What is the point of my existance when I can't do this??  I can't even get through half a semester in college without falling apart?? what is wrong with me???  What is wrong with me?
halliwelsis93: (Default)
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Ok... so totally cliche moment, but my mom.  She always supported me in whatever I wanted to do.  I assume she would have drawn the line at me wanting to kill people or commit grand theft auto.  Other than that she is an incredibly strong person who got me through so much, just by being there.  I knew that no matter what was happening that I always had one person on my team.  I think that her existence was what proved to me that it gets better, because she was a lot like me in high school and she is very happy with her life now.  

One of the other woman who really effected me was my theatre teacher in high school.  Her name was Lara and she was my teacher for 2 years.  She was a strong presence with more talent in her little finger than most of the Hollywood starlets combined.  When she taught me, she was 26 and close enough to the age of her students to understand, sympathize, and joke.  She worked us hard, but we learned so much.  At the end of two years we had to do a 20 minute speech and I ran out of time.  I had more to say than I had time.  She taught me to communicate and express myself.  Because of her, I became much more confident and unafraid to be myself.  I owe her alot.  She was a great teacher and she really created a family within the theatre class.  It was awesome.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
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You know... they probably want a serious answer, but I'm pretty happy with my computer, so my answer probably won't even resemble serious.  the only really problems I've had with my computer have been mostly operator error, because I just switched to a Mac and prior to that I was a PC person.  

On a random note, I'm really bummed that Apple ended the "and I'm a Mac" commercial campaign they were doing with Justin Long.  It was awesome and very entertaining.  

The only thing I have a problem with is trying to get somethings that are meant for windows to work on my Mac...like for example, if there is an imbedded Windows Media Player on a page, I don't know how to make it play. But other than that I'm happy.

I just have to say that I wouldn't say no to a computer that could take itself and me through time literally and had a magic printer that printed 3-D objects, so you didn't have to wait for them to ship.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
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Absolutely.  I got like this about Charmed (TV show from 1998-2006) in middle school.  I kinda grew out of it, but not really.  There is a difference between now and then and its mostly that now I'm obsessed with like a million things, but normally one thing is at the forefront.  this month it seems to be the Matt Farrell/John McClane relationship in Live Free or Die Hard.  A couple of months ago it was the Terminator.  Its been Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Smallville (specifically Clois) and NCIS and Booth/Bones on Bones and and the Jonas Brothers (that I mostly grew out of) and Supernatural (Wincest) and Brokeback Mountain and Harry Potter (always Harry Potter) and many, many more.  Now basically I am just adding to it...I usually just tell people that I like television and movies.  I try to stay up on all of my shows and news about anyone who is/was in them.  

I am not really concerned about breaking free.  I am more focused, at least right now with trying to use my passion for these things to learn and then create a career in one of these industries.  I love all this stuff so much, but really I think its because I love characters.  I love people and I hope that get me somewhere.

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halliwelsis93

July 2016

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