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I have six days until I drive across the country to go to college. It will my first time being away from my mother for more than the month (and the time I was away from her for a month didn't go well, I got extremely homesick). I'm not sure I can do this. I say that I'm independent, and I am I can do my own laundry and cook for myself and when I'm motivated I can clean and I am decent office worker. The issue is that for all of my decisions I depend on her. I am afraid to load new programs onto my computer when she's not home, even though I have Macbook and she wouldn't know what to do if something went wrong anyway. I don't know if I can do this. Ia m not the kid who can't wait to get away from home and I'm not excited about college. Shouldn't I be excited? I'm worried about missing my mom and I'm worried that I won't make friends. I am not an easy person to get to know. I am a good friend or at least I think I am, but getting out of the acquaintance zone and into the friends zone is not an easy thing. I'm worried that I'm not creative enough. I have no good short film ideas and I'm trying. everything I think of has been done or is based on something that has been done, so I don't feel good about it. I can't create characters and when I try I tend to make them perfect versions of people that I know. I don't think that I will ever end up doing what I want to, because I don't think that I have enough creativity to creat a world like J.K. and Joss did. I feel that I am a watcher and not even the cool kind like Giles, but that kind of person who is always on the fringe. When I hang out with friends no matter who it is I am never really part of the group, but I'm on the fringe. Even, when it's my best friends. I am always the one who is weird. I don't get it and I don't know why and I'm actually getting a little fed up. I was over at a friend's house about a week ago and we were taking all kinds of pictures and having fun. My two friends look great and funny and on occasion sexy in the pictures and I just look retarded. I'm not funny at all when I m put under pressure. I can be funny and I do crack jokes, but when someone looks at me or points a camera at me and says do something funny, I freeze. I hate it. It's very annoying. I am also not ready to leave my best friend behind. We have been friends for ten years and she is a year younger than me. We watch almost all of the same movies and tv shows and have all kinds of inside jokes. I don't know how I am going to make friends like that in college. There is this bond that comes with growing up together and I don't see how I could ever be that close with someone I meet in college. they won't have the full story. They won't understand my relationship with my mom or where I am coming from when I speak. I don't know how people do this. I know that its supposed to be a growing experience, but what if I don't want to go. I'm comfortable right where I am, which I guess is the problem. I could happily stay here in high school for another year. I thought I was ready to go and at the end of the year I felt ready, but now I wish I was going back to AHS. It's comfortable and I understand it. I was sick of it and I'm sure if I were to go back I would be sick of it again within a week, but I guess as much as it sucks, its safe.