halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I got to work today and my manager was talking shit about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  He was saying that he thought it was stupid.  I tried to explain the monetary difference and I talked about people with ALS and the families of people with ALS that support this movement.  He just kept going on and on about the water and that they should find some other way to raise awareness.  There is a reason that this worked and a reason that there is so much awareness right now and that it that it is both fun to do and hilarious to watch.  Something like this is a great way to raise awareness about something that is rarely thought about and definately not to the level of something like Breast cancer or AIDS.  I think that most anything that brings money to research and victims and awareness to everyone else is a good thing. So fuck all of you ditractors.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I work at a hotel in a resort town that is primarily white.  There is very little crime here and if there was I am confident that the police would show up and be as helpful as possible.  There are people in the USA that do not have that privlege and most of them have darker skin than me.  As a biracial person, I find that I am more aware of the violence towards black people than your average "white" person.  I have found myself frustrated over the last couple of days when discussing the issues with Ferguson, MO with my coworkers.  They keep saying things that are so privleged and accidentally racist.  I am sure that they would not think of themselves as racist, but they are exhibiting opinions that are not good.  I was just talking to one of my coworkers and he was saying that he didn't think that the police violence against black people was not common.  That it didn't happen every day.  I tried to explain to him that young black boys have to be taught how to be properly arrested, so that they can survive, because most of them will be arrested in their lifetime.  I don't think that he understands how much of this violence goes unreported by the mainstream media.  Police shoot at unarmed people all the time.  And honestly said unarmed people tend to be black.  These people at work are so unaware of the realities of the lives of people of color and specifically black people.  I am not saying that, as a light skinned biracial person, I can ever completely understand, because I am afforded a certain amount of privlege due to my skin.  The other day one of my coworkers that actually goes to school near Ferguson was telling me about the town and he was saying things about how nice it is in the center of town and that its only the outskirts that were a problem.  I am fairly certain that he was saying that only the black people are the problem.  He also tried to tell me that the issues in Ferguson were not about race but rather about poverty.  I couldn't figure out how to explain to him that poverty is race related in its very nature.  The institutions within our country have caused this with their policies and actions.  I knew that white men were privleged, but I have never really spent any time with straight white men in their 20s, so I am not quite sure that I knew it was this bad.  My one coworker thinks that the reason the police were shooting into the crowd of protesters is that the protesters shot at them first.  It's like they have no concept of the historical issues in our country.  He just keeps saying that the rioting needs to stop and I agree.  The rioting is bad.  But I don't think that the protests have to stop until there is some real progress made.  I think that actions of the police in Ferguson are ridiculous and they need to stop.  I am not saying that police are evil, I am saying that they need to be able to interact with people without wearing riot gear and shooting off tear gas, wooden pellets and rubber bullets.  I am saying that if the police shoot somebody they should be immediately investigated.  And I am saying that the Ferguson police chief needs to stop giving press conferences.  People need to be aware of the fact that we are nowhere near a post-racial society. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
My mom just spilled wine all over the front passenger side floor mat of my car.  I overreacted and said that I wasn't going to let her drink anymore.  I shouldn't have said that.  I said it because I am still upset with her about the copying my texts and sending them to my uncle thing and because she had 4 glasses of wine tonight.

She got mad at me and told me that because I didn't know where to stop, she wasn't going to pay for my car anymore.  I tried to say to her that if I spilled wine in her car she would be very upset with me.  She said yeah and implied that was because she pays for her car.  That is a factor and I do have a free car that I am extremely grateful for, because I could not afford it otherwise.  However, the fact that I have to pay for the car to be detailed now is not the only factor.  I am also that person that this mainly effects (which is why it doesn't matter to her at all).  I have to drive that car and if our family borrows the car over Christmas I will be the person that is blamed.  I had a right to be upset, if not as upset as I was.  Despite the fact that the car is not legally mine, I consider it mine and I really don't like it when other people brake or damage my stuff.  This is not a big deal and I did overreact.  I understand why she was mad.  However, she never really apologized and she is still ignoring what she did wrong with the texting.  She seems to think that the lesson out of all of this is that she shouldn't share things with me.  I find it completely baffling that it doesn't seem to occur to her that she simply shouldn't do these things.  Then she could share whatever she wanted with me.  I know that the wine was an accident and I don't think that I was honestly reacting to that.  I think that most of my reaction was about things that I didn't get to say about the other thing.  The real problem, for me, in the fact that she clearly thinks I am being ridiculous about the texts and it is a problem for me.  If I wouldn't have told him myself, he shouldn't have the information.  I now am going to spend the whole time that my uncle is here feeling awkward.  I know that she thinks that is my fault and absurd, but it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't given him the information.

She's right.  She probably shouldn't have told me.  She seemed to think that it was a laugh, but it wasn't and I didn't need to know.  I don't understand what exactly she thought would be funny to me, but it is what it is.  I think that more than anything she should have been aware that it affected me.  I don't want to be mad at her for it, but I don't know how to work through it, because she makes me feel like we can't discuss it, because she can just declare the conversation over at any moment.  My emotions might be ridiculous and illogical, but they are still how I feel and i have a right to them.  I just feel all roiled up and icky inside. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is this thing called the internet and it is a place of freedom.  Since the internet started people have been trying to control it and use it to their advantage.  But although it was created by humans it seems to be an entity all its own.  Then came along the American Government, a government that professes to be all about freedom.  They decided that the internet needed to be regulated, that it was taking to much money away from the corporations.  The problem is that the point of the internet is to be able to freely share ideas and talk about things that you love.  This incudes talking about and even sharing copywrited material.  I am not condoning downloading, I myself do not participate in it for the most part, but problem with SOPA and PIPA is that they would allow corporations to greatly restrict most of the sites on the web.  Maybe they wouldn't completely decimate websites like Tumblr and Facebook and YouTube, but I think that they would and I firmly believe that they should not have the option.  I think that the internet allows people to freely express themselves whether it is drawing or editing or writing or being a member of a fandom (although no one is a member of just one fandom).  I think to take that away would be disastrous, because the internet is outlet for the fringe groups that they have never had before and even a place for the more mainstream people to fly their secret freak flag, because everyone has one.  I think this was made so clear, by the way that the internet joined together (they can never agree on anything) and rose up against SOPA and PIPA.  The internet is important.  The internet is powerful and we can do more than that.  We have so much potential, so don't silence us.

Poetry

Dec. 2nd, 2011 10:59 pm
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am having real trouble with my poetry unit.  Ok not really, but I have a really hard time analyzing poetry.  I feel that there is not enough there to analyze.  It's just so stupid.  Not that poetry isn't interesting.... its just that I don't understand how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between the author's tone and the "speaker's" tone.   It fucking impossible, way harder than with prose.  I am so tired, but I have to get this done, because even though I have the day off I won't have internet access on Wednesday and there is no way I'll get this stuff done.  I mean its not that hard, I just feel like everything I say is stupid and makes no sense.  It seems to me that there is no clear answer and I have a hard time with that.  I know people say that Literature is subjective, but that not really true.  I mean no matter what you say War and Peace is not about Dinosaurs from space who blew up their planet and eat chewing gum.  Just like when I pull some of these analyses out of thin air, they don't really work.  But I so don't have the energy to find something that does work.   I have been staring at this poem for like 45 mins and I just have nothing to say about the characterization, because I'm honestly not sure that there is any.  I have nothing to say about the tone either and who the fuck I am to say whether a poem is good or not.  I honestly just wish that we had a mobile hot spot.  I would make my life much simpler.  And at the same time it wouldn't do shit to change anything.  Except for maybe I'd be asleep right now, but probably not even that.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is so much that I would say to my stepdad if I could.  I hate him.  After living with the fucking man for 10 years, I can safely say that it's not because he invaded the twosome that my mom and I had going, at least not most of it.  My mother married a jackass.  She completely failed at marrying her father if that's what she was trying to do.  My grandfather is a very smart, caring, accomplished man.  My stepdad is the opposite.  He has no employable skills.  He never graduated from college.  He was a ski patroller for many years and he was good at that, but he quit recently, because it was too hard.  He has some pretty good artistic skills with drawing, painting and photography, but he never even tried to promote himself and he hasn't done anything artistic in years.  My mom takes more pictures than he does.  He is deaf in one ear and loosing his hearing in the other ear and all he does is complain about it.  He wears a hearing aid, but only because my mom set that up for him.  He won't go out and when he does he doesn't talk and then when we get home he just complains about how everything is too loud for him.  On days that he's ot working he sleeps until 3pm.  Even I only sleep till 10am at the latest.  He only has the job that he currently has, because my mom is the boss.  That is true of me as well, but I am also pretty good at and very confident in my job.  He is neither.  He complains about everything all the time and doesn't do anything to fix it.  I hate him.  He used to scream at me like you wouldn't believe.  He even pushed me down the stairs once and choked me twice.  I have no reason to like this man.  Feel bad for him sometimes, but like him.... no.   On top of all of this, he is depressed and doesn't really do anything, besides g to work and sit at the house.  That's a little what I do too, but that's because all my friends are away at college.  All of his friends are still here, he has no excuse.  

Apparently, that makes me selfish.  Thinking that my mom is worth and deserves, so much more than this is selfish.  I'm not going to say that I don't want him gone for me as well, but Jesus Christ.... he's like the world's biggest moocher.  I think that I pay more towards the bills and mortgage every month than he does and I'm not paying that much rent.   

I can be bratty and selfish, but I'm just saying that my mom and I were getting along perfectly all day until he came home.  He changes the vibe of the house and makes me angry just by existing.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am having such a problem right now.  I have no motivaiton to do anything.  I am turning things in late and not doing my work until the last minute.  Right now I need a camera on Sunday to film this short film that I am working on.  If don't get it in I am going to flunk out of college and my mom is going to disown me or something.  

I dread making films.  This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director.  I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies.  I love them.  Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family.  But I have an incredibly difficult time with school.  It is very hard for me.  Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth.  I don't why its so hard for me.  I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.  

I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom.  The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her.  How I feel.  She doesn't get it.  That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either.  Why is this so hard for me?  I'm really good at the writing part.  I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me.  I am not a very organized person .  I can't do this.  I cannot do this.

My roommate has it all together.  She's barely ever here, but she has it all together.  She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life.  I don't even know.  I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am.  I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules.  In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am.  I need to sleep.  I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework.  I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday.  I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.  

I thought that this would be different.  I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it.  I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter.  I am just not good at this.  I was supposed to be good at this.  I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later.  I don't fully understand that.  I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it.  Isn't that a problem?

My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it.  I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with.  I just want to be done.  I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful.  I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.  

Whatever.  I need to try to go do my homework now.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
Since I came to college, I have been having mondo writer's block.  Nothing is coming out.  It actually hasn't been the whole time I've been here, but just the last month.  Writing anything, especially anything academic has been very hard.  I need to write a paper on Family in Francis Ford Coppola's films and I just am not able to come up with a defining..... overarching theme.  I don't have any thoughts that transfer well to paper and I cannot come up with a thesis.  This is an immediate problem, because this paper is due in 12 hours and I would like sleep for approximately six of those, although that is looking very unlikely at this moment.  I don't know what aspect of family I am trying to talk about.  I don't know what to say.  I have so much information about Coppola in my head and at my disposal, but I don't know what its telling me.  I don't know and I have to write this paper or I am going to flunk out of college and the thing is that I might flunk out of college anyway.  I don't what to do or how to motivate and I just..... I just suck.  I hate plagiarism and I would never plagiarize, but just this once I wish that I had no morals and could plagiarize, because otherwise I don't know how this is going to happen.  Besides that I have a rough cut of two films due on Saturday.  The first film is is being filmed on Monday, does anyone else see a problem with that.  So I have something to do all day Monday and that sucks a lot.  Besides which the other film has yet to be cast and we still don't have actors and I just don't think that its doable.  I don't know what to do, because I think that I'm doing things that are the director's job and he think that he's doing my job.  We don't work well together and he's not even trying at this point and I'm only kind of trying and its causing issues and I just...... want to sleep.  I just want to sleep.  I can't write and I don't have anything to say.  I need a thesis and I hate myself right now.  This was not just my normal procrastination, I just didn't care and I don't know why and I don't know what i'm going to do, because I seriously might flunk out of college.  I don't do drugs.  I don't drink.  I don't party or do any of the things that normally trip people up during college.  I watch movies.  I watch movies and I watch television shows and I surf the internet.  those are my addictions and I had them managed, not quite as perfect as I wanted to be, but good enough.  Then I came here and at first I was doing really well, everything was in on time and I worked really hard, but something happened a month or two ago.  It was like I fell off of the wagon.  I couldn't stop myself from watching movies and watching tv.  I couldn't stop myself form being on Tumblr or watching West Wing at 4am.  I suddenly had no will power at all.  i don;t know what happened I don't know.  I don't understand.  I don't know what happened to me.  I wasted my mom's money and I can't believe I did that I told myself and her that I would do better in college, but I think what kept me on track in school was really her and the small tight knot community that was my school.  Here, I am just another person another student and after a semester of school I have no friends here.   I think that all of this has contributed to what I can only assume is mild depression.  I miss my mom and I miss my home and I just wanted to be better here.  I got it in my head that this would be different, but at least at home I had to leave my room everyday.  Here that is not true and I have to say that doesn't help.  I don't.... know what to do at this point my paper is now due in 11 hours and I wanted it to be good.  I wanted it to be good.   I wanted to better.  Why aren't I better?  What is the point of my existance when I can't do this??  I can't even get through half a semester in college without falling apart?? what is wrong with me???  What is wrong with me?
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I feel like a fucking idiot.  For the first time in my life I went with fashion over function and I wish i could take it back.  The problem is that it was expensive and my mom paid for it.  When I got new glasses I Ray Ban Wayfarers and had the normal lenses taken out and put in my prescription lenses.  It was so stupid.  They're too heavy and with the angle the lenses are funny.  I shouldn't have asked for and I feel so bad that it makes me want to cry and its keeping me up at night.  I should have just gotten the Costco glasses that looked awesome on me and weighed nothing and costed a quarter as much.  I don't know what to do.  I need new glasses that work, but I just got new glasses and I can't afford them and I can't ask my mom for them.  I think that when I get a job, which will hopefully be before my mom comes next month, I'll tell her.  I'll ask her if she can buy me the creeper glasses and I'll pay for the more expensive glasses.  I just don't know how to tell her I feel so bad.  I feel awful.  She said that she didn't trust the lady and she liked the Costco glasses more and she was right like she always is, but I can't fix it.  This is why I hate making decisions.  It feels like I always make the wrong ones and I don't know what to do.  I feel bad, because it was so expensive and I told her I wanted them, which I did but it was the wrong choice.  Maybe I can get new ones myself and then pay my mom the difference.  I just don't have job right now and so I can't really do anything, but wear my contacts.  I am so afraid that I'm damaging my eyes that I want to be able to take my contacts out, but I hate these glasses.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I am such an incredible dunce.  I shouldn't be allowed to make personal decisions.  All I want to do is tell my mother, because I tell her everything, but I don't want to make her mad or disappoint her or something.  I'm so upset.  Maybe this is something stupid to be depressed about, but I am and it won't go away I need to get a job and come up with a plan to fix it.  I just don't know what to do.  The other issue is that the contacts I am wearing now and the prescription of my new glasses and contacts is approximately the a step, so I really should wait until I run out of my old contact to try on my glasses again, because the first time I got dizzy.  I think that might be part of why I don't like them so I need to wait and try them on again once I switch to the new contacts and get used to them.  I want different glasses and I don't know what to do.  

Twitter

Aug. 1st, 2010 01:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I would be posting this on Twitter, but Twitter is down for scheduled maintenance, so I am posting it here:

I was born and bred in America, but I have the music of a barely known Estonian girl band in my library and I know all the words.  Does that make me weird?

My friends would say: No, that's not what makes you weird.

Yeah...okay I'm weird because I have an obsession with slash and 80's action movies and genre television shows and then more slash.  I read fanfiction like a fiend and in my sophomore year of high school it was the direct cause of some serious grade problems, but I don't write any.  

I am so...tired, I guess.  Do you know that feeling where you don't feel tired, but you eyes start to hurt and your contact lenses are getting blurry?  Well, that seems to be my perpetual state of existence.   Perhaps that's an indication that I should sleep.  It is after all 2 am.  ok well I shall try that then.  After I read one more Die Hard Fanfic.  I have no self control.  Oh well, it is on my list of things to work on right up there with being to chatty.

Profile

halliwelsis93: (Default)
halliwelsis93

July 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
1718 1920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 05:40 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios