halliwelsis93

I am staying in a dorm with 3 other people and I am the only one that is even considering coming back to Columbia College next semester.  One is going back home, one is going to go to community college for a semester and then coming back and one is switching colleges permanently.  I am not doing so well on the college front.  I am having problems keeping myself on task.  The internet and tv are very distracting and at college I have no one breathing down my neck telling me to do my work.

I find myself with 18 day left in the semester and I am freaking out.  I have to work on two short films, write approximately 9 different papers, at least two of which are research papers, and edit a short interview segment.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is.  One of the papers is on Francis Ford Coppola and the way he uses long/wide shots int he middle of scenes to increase drama.  (at least that's what its about right now, but that's kind of hard to show with research).  The rough draft was due last Friday and I haven't actually started on it. I'm working on the research part right now more than the actual writing, so i need to get on that.  The two films are directed by two other students and they cannot get their acts together.  So, my job as far as that goes is to remind them repeatedly that we have 18 days until the final cut is due.  One of the films has not been cast and the other is being filmed in Indiana and I was supposed to be filmed on Sunday, but the shoot was cancelled.  Do you know how annoying that is!!!! I was supposed to be done with my part of one of the films, by now, but no. So now as far as that goes I am just playing the waiting game.   It's actually really fucking annoying.  

So I am dealing with all of this and then I am dealing with the very real certainty of living with three brand new different people next semester and that's not really problem, except what if we don't get along.  Besides which I am actually worried about my grades.  For two reasons: one if I get lower than a C in either of my film classes, then I have to take them both over again,which would suck.  Two, I really don't want to start my college career on academic probation.  Argh.  I have been thinking about going back home next semester and going to community college and getting all of my general education credits in.  But that feels like a cop out and I am not sure that I'm ok with that.  I don't know.  It's hard I have yet to make any friend here, except my roommate and now she's not going to be here next semester.  So great.... now I'm at college and I'm going to be that creepy person without friends.   I just don't know what to do.  I mean obviously I need to buckle down and just start doing as much of this work as I can, so that I can get through this semester and hopefully come in over the grade of C, so that I can continue on in the school.  

If I go back home and go to community college, I want it to be next semester,because one of my best friends is still a senior in high school and I could hang out with her at least.  I just don't know.  I think I would be disappointed in myself, ifI had to go home, but to be totally honest I am already disappointed with myself, because I thought that college would be different and at the very least I would be good student.  I should have realized that habits don't change just because your location does.  Plus I think that I might have over passed the allowed absents in my First Year Seminar class, so fuck!!!!  I'm going to email my teacher and check, because he likes me and I think that maybe he won't fail me.  I hope. I just needed to vent and now I need to work and get something done, because when I accomplish something I get more motivated to continue working.

 I have six days until I drive across the country to go to college.  It will my first time being away from my mother for more than the month (and the time I was away from her for a month didn't go well, I got extremely homesick).  I'm not sure I can do this.  I say that I'm independent, and I am I can do my own laundry and cook for myself and when I'm motivated I can clean and I am decent office worker.  The issue is that for all of my decisions I depend on her.  I am afraid to load new programs onto my computer when she's not home, even though I have Macbook and she wouldn't know what to do if something went wrong anyway.  I don't know if I can do this.  Ia m not the kid who can't wait to get away from home and I'm not excited about college.  Shouldn't I be excited?  I'm worried about missing my mom and I'm worried that I won't make friends.  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am a good friend or at least I think I am, but getting out of the acquaintance zone and into the friends zone is not an easy thing.   I'm worried that I'm not creative enough.  I have no good short film ideas and I'm trying.  everything I think of has been done or is based on something that has been done, so I don't feel good about it.  I can't create characters and when I try I tend to make them perfect versions of people that I  know.  I don't think that I will ever end up doing what I want to, because I don't think that I have enough creativity to creat a world like J.K. and Joss did.  I feel that I am a watcher and not even the cool kind like Giles, but that kind of person who is always on the fringe.  When I hang out with friends no matter who it is I am never really part of the group, but I'm on the fringe.  Even, when it's my best friends.  I am always the one who is weird.  I don't get it and I don't know why and I'm actually getting a little fed up.  I was over at a friend's house about a week ago and we were taking all kinds of pictures and having fun.  My two friends look great and funny and on occasion sexy in the pictures and I just look retarded.  I'm not funny at all when I m put under pressure.  I can be funny and I do crack jokes, but when someone looks at me or points a camera at me and says do something funny, I freeze.  I hate it.  It's very annoying.  I am also not ready to leave my best friend behind.  We have been friends for ten years and she is a year younger than me.  We watch almost all of the same movies and tv shows and have all kinds of inside jokes.  I don't know how I am going to make friends like that in college.  There is this bond that comes with growing up together and I don't see how I could ever be that close with someone I meet in college.  they won't have the full story.  They won't understand my relationship with my mom or where I am coming from when I speak.  I don't know how people do this.  I know that its supposed to be a growing experience, but what if I don't want to go.  I'm comfortable right where I am, which I guess is the problem.  I could happily stay here in high school for another year.  I thought I was ready to go and at the end of the year I felt ready, but now I wish I was going back to AHS.  It's comfortable and I understand it.  I was sick of it and I'm sure if I were to go back I would be sick of it again within a week, but I guess as much as it sucks, its safe.