Oct. 12th, 2010 12:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I love my fandoms.  I really do, but I'm not an active participant in forums or really anything else other than fanfiction.  I don't want to over think and therefore ruin any of my fandoms, so I really have no desire to discuss them intellectually.  

I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much.  I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read.  Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily.  I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason.  It's everything that I want in my life.  

I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws.  This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have.  I'm 18 and I've never been kissed.  I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date.  I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal.  My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out.  She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing.  Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school.  On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close.  I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected.  I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do.  I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest.  I want what the people in these stories have.  

I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff).  I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship.  I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head.  I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues.  I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.  

halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I can't get asleep before midnight...its really turning into an issue.  I need to go to bed earlier and get my body off of this schedule, but that is going to have to start on Monday.  I also really, really, really need to pack, but first I need to clean.  My plan is to get up around 10 am tomorrow and clean my room and get rid of stuff and do laundry.  Hopefully I can get that process done before I leave to go to the Lock-In at my library.  The Lock-In is basically an all-nighter with games and movies and food and fun.  I am going to be the oldest person there who isn't a chaperone.  I am really only going, because my best friend wants to.  I just feel like writing and I am hoping to tire myself out.

I really didn't realize that the John McClane/Matt Farrell fandom was as big as it is.  But I love it.  I am trying to get my best friend into it and I might succeed, but I think she needs to watch the movies in order and I so don't have time, because I leave for college on the 22nd (I think).  

This kinda an issue, because I am totally using livejournal to work out my issues, because none of my RL friends know that I have a livejournal and as far as I know, no one is reading this.  (If you are reading this feel free to say hi.)  I know that you probably don't care about my life, especially cause it is not very interesting.  But I like the people on this site.  I have yet to come across any of the really bitchy fans that everyone talks about.  I am hoping that they don't really exist.  Everyone I have commented on has been really friendly and I'm not part of any that could be part of the reason.

Ok well, I am off to go read (an actual, honest-to-goodness, paper book) and relax, so that I can sleep. goodnight.


Aug. 1st, 2010 01:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I would be posting this on Twitter, but Twitter is down for scheduled maintenance, so I am posting it here:

I was born and bred in America, but I have the music of a barely known Estonian girl band in my library and I know all the words.  Does that make me weird?

My friends would say: No, that's not what makes you weird.

Yeah...okay I'm weird because I have an obsession with slash and 80's action movies and genre television shows and then more slash.  I read fanfiction like a fiend and in my sophomore year of high school it was the direct cause of some serious grade problems, but I don't write any.  

I am so...tired, I guess.  Do you know that feeling where you don't feel tired, but you eyes start to hurt and your contact lenses are getting blurry?  Well, that seems to be my perpetual state of existence.   Perhaps that's an indication that I should sleep.  It is after all 2 am.  ok well I shall try that then.  After I read one more Die Hard Fanfic.  I have no self control.  Oh well, it is on my list of things to work on right up there with being to chatty.


Jul. 25th, 2010 02:37 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I feel like writing....this is just going to be a stream of consciousness and stuff...there will not be actual sentences...continue at your own risk...if there is some thought in here I really like I will pull it out and write another post just about that...however at this particular moment I am just enjoying the sensation of typing.  I watched the first episode of Doctor Who today...whenever I start to type Doctor, I want to automatically shorten it to Dr....I guess that's what happens when you work in a Dr.'s office...anyway I like Rose and find that Doctor Who make a lot more sense when you start from the beginning...I have a friend who will not stop going on about it and the only reason I'm watching it is to be in on the joke... I also watched Bend It Like Beckham for the first time in a very long time....I still like it and I wish there was more Jess/Joe fanfiction and less Jess/Jules fanfiction...I love Jonathan Rhys Meyers, although I just found out today that Rhys is pronounced like reese...Reese reminded me of Kyle Reese, who is awesome and loves Sarah Connor very much....speaking of which Linda Hamilton is playing Chuck's on the TV show Chuck, so now I am going to have to watch at least those episodes...coming back to my original train of thought...because I have to watch Doctor Who, I am going to make my friend watch Die Hard...perhaps the whole series (so far) because they are awesome and John McClane is kickass...I love 80's action movies, can't you tell...I also watched Rookie Blue today... I found that it resembled grey's Anatomy, which I don't really watch, but know a far bit about, because I try to pay attention to pop culture...I seem to have attached myself to a relationship which is not the one I was supposed to and is not going to last, which is kinda bumming me out...I then watched the LXD episodes that I had missed  and I found that a lot of people really don't like it... or at least the people who are taking time to comment...I liked this one episode called Robot was like a silent movie and so of course it reminded me of the Buffy episode Hush.....then I got an unbearable urge to read Matt Farrell/John McClane fanfiction and I found a user that has an stellar Supernatural icon...its from the Mystery Spot episode and its Dean doing his little Heat of the Moment dance....I really liked it....I forgot to say that I watched Warehouse 13 too...which for some reason, despite it being really bad, I really like...I don't know I think that its because of the artifacts...ok i don't really have anything else to say...except now I'm think about the 3rd Die Hard, which to be frank is probably my least favorite and now I can't remember the title...Samuel L. Jackson was in it, but I mostly found his character annoying...god...what was it called...number 1 is Die Hard, number 2 is Die Hard 2: Die Harder...I got it number 3 is Die Hard With a Vengeance and number 4 is Life Free or Die Hard....they are making a fifth one, but the title has not been announced yet...I am excited for the movie RED, but I am going to have no one to go with...which is a bummer and one of the downsides to moving so far away from my mother...ok yeah, i'm a momma's girl, but my dad is an asshole and lives across the country, so there was no way I was gonna be a daddy's way in hell... I am going to miss my mom a lot.... I am almost thinking that I don't want to go...I don't think that I'm ready to go...I think the big bad world might chew me up and spit me out, but in't that the point don't I have to take that risk.....It's just very scary and I don't feel ready...ok on that note I should go to bed and dream of Bruce Willis....goodnight to anyone who happens to be bored enough to be reading this.


halliwelsis93: (Default)

July 2016

1718 1920212223


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 20th, 2017 09:27 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios