I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much. I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read. Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily. I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason. It's everything that I want in my life.
I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws. This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have. I'm 18 and I've never been kissed. I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date. I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal. My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out. She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing. Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school. On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close. I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected. I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do. I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest. I want what the people in these stories have.
I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff). I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship. I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head. I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues. I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.