I feel like I bother everyone around me. I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about. I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either. Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it. When I have a thought, I want to share it. Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst. I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it. And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone. I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking. I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.
Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up. It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible. She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle. I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad. I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career. My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to. I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help. I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable. For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that. I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry. I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction. When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy. When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about. I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing. I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people. it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.
The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it. I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport. I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid. Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them. I definitely struggle with my base instincts. I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination. I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later. I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home. I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me. I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all. I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like. I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself. I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.
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