halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I think that I am going to try to do Booktubeathon this week.  Its from 7/18 thru 7/24.  I just decided that I am going to do this, but I did read an entire book yesterday, so I am actually off to a pretty good start.  The goal is to read 7 books in a week and there are other goals that are as follows:

1) Read a book with yellow on the cover

2) Read a book only after sunset

3) Read a book you discovered through Booktube

4) Read a book by one of your favorite authors

5) Read a book that is older than you

6) Read and watch a book-to-movie adaptation

And as always:

7) Read seven books.

Last night, I read Scarlett Epstein Hates It Here by Anna Breslaw which statisfies the second challenge (read a book only after sunset) and the third challenge (read a book you discovered through Booktube), because I heard of this book in one of the hauls that Kristina Horner posted.  I think that is actually a pretty good start.

The rest of my TBR (so far) are:
The Bronte Plot by Katherine Reay (for my book with yellow on the cover)
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (for my book by a favorite author and my book that is older than me)
A Tyranny of Petticoats (a collection of short stories) edited by Jessica Spotswood

That is what I have so far.  I don't know what my book to movie adaptation will be, but I will figure it out.  I have to work four days this week, so we'll see how this goes.

halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I have been trying to write this paper for days and I cannot seem to get it out.  I am having a really hard time with this class.  I am afraid of turning writing in to this professor and I don't entirely understand why.  I want to write this piece and I think that I have finally figured out what to write it on after reading all of the options more than once.  But I still don't feel that I have any valid thoughts on this piece.  At least not that I can expound upon for 1000 words.  I wish that I could write him a paper on why I can't write this paper.  Critical Analyses terrify me. I emailed my professor and he said that he would be in his office all day, so now I simply have to find the courage to go down there and talk to him.  I don't know that he can help me.  I don't know why I am freaking out about this as much as I am.  I am starting to think that I may need to try to get medicated, because this cannot be how life is for everyone.  I cannot accep that.  But I am also not thrilled with the prospect.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel a little bit like I am having a meltdown.  I was looking at my syllabi for my some of my classes this semester.  I haven't even been to a single class and I am freaking out.  It looks like its going to be a lot of work.  I am not entirely sure that I can handle it.  Specifically the Pecha Kuchas in my American Diaspora class.  I don't understand what those are or what is expected of me, so I am panicking.  I am also concerned about the sheer about of reading that I have in all of my classes.  I don't know how I am going to do all of that.  It is a little stressful.  I think that I am getting up in my head like I always do and that if I just try to get all the reading done as I go it shouldn't be a problem.  I am incredibly put off by the amount of reading in my 200-level British literature class. I am only taking it because I needed an elective and I thought that I would be able to coast through it.  Granted that is not the best reason to take a class, but that is what I was thinking and it is starting to look like based on the sheer amount of assignments (mostly writing assignments) that class could be the hardest for me.  I am tempted to drop the class.  But another part of me wants to rise to the challenge and prove to myself that I can do this.  I can turn all of these assignments in on time and do all of the reading.  I just can't believe that I am already stressed,  It is the first day of the new semester.  Shouldn't it take me a week or at least one class period to lose my marbles?  I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I am guessing no.  All I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and watch Bones.  I should try to be productive start this day and semester off on a good note.  So I will walk home taking deep breaths the whole way and then I will read some of A Frolic of His Own which is a book that never should have been committed to paper.  Perhaps I will also read some of the 25-page essay that needs to be read before tomorrow.  I just wish this was easy.  I can work hard, I just hate knowing that its coming.  That seems to be my downfall.  I can do this.  (If only I really believed that.

Tiger Lily

Dec. 1st, 2014 01:49 am
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I know that a lot of people are upset about Tiger Lily and I know that she is completely racist in the original Peter Pan film as well as the book.  There is no arguing that point.  I am about to say something that is not entirely appropriate and I apologize.  I am a little confused.  Clearly the original Tiger Lily is based on conceptions of Native Americans that are neither accurate or fair.  I would just like to discuss the fact that Neverland is not America.  It is another world that does not necessarily have to subscribe to racial boundries in the same way.  Is it possible that casting Rooney Mara was a quest to divorce the character from her problematic past, by making her unique to the island.  I think that it can be asked that was there not anyway to do that or something similar with an actress of color, specifically a Native American one?  I also know that I don't truly get to weigh in on this issue, because I am not directly affected by it.  I cannot understand what it is to be a Native American in this country.  Not truly.  I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around this particular issue, but I am attempting to respect those with more knowledge than me.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I got to work today and my manager was talking shit about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  He was saying that he thought it was stupid.  I tried to explain the monetary difference and I talked about people with ALS and the families of people with ALS that support this movement.  He just kept going on and on about the water and that they should find some other way to raise awareness.  There is a reason that this worked and a reason that there is so much awareness right now and that it that it is both fun to do and hilarious to watch.  Something like this is a great way to raise awareness about something that is rarely thought about and definately not to the level of something like Breast cancer or AIDS.  I think that most anything that brings money to research and victims and awareness to everyone else is a good thing. So fuck all of you ditractors.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I work at a hotel in a resort town that is primarily white.  There is very little crime here and if there was I am confident that the police would show up and be as helpful as possible.  There are people in the USA that do not have that privlege and most of them have darker skin than me.  As a biracial person, I find that I am more aware of the violence towards black people than your average "white" person.  I have found myself frustrated over the last couple of days when discussing the issues with Ferguson, MO with my coworkers.  They keep saying things that are so privleged and accidentally racist.  I am sure that they would not think of themselves as racist, but they are exhibiting opinions that are not good.  I was just talking to one of my coworkers and he was saying that he didn't think that the police violence against black people was not common.  That it didn't happen every day.  I tried to explain to him that young black boys have to be taught how to be properly arrested, so that they can survive, because most of them will be arrested in their lifetime.  I don't think that he understands how much of this violence goes unreported by the mainstream media.  Police shoot at unarmed people all the time.  And honestly said unarmed people tend to be black.  These people at work are so unaware of the realities of the lives of people of color and specifically black people.  I am not saying that, as a light skinned biracial person, I can ever completely understand, because I am afforded a certain amount of privlege due to my skin.  The other day one of my coworkers that actually goes to school near Ferguson was telling me about the town and he was saying things about how nice it is in the center of town and that its only the outskirts that were a problem.  I am fairly certain that he was saying that only the black people are the problem.  He also tried to tell me that the issues in Ferguson were not about race but rather about poverty.  I couldn't figure out how to explain to him that poverty is race related in its very nature.  The institutions within our country have caused this with their policies and actions.  I knew that white men were privleged, but I have never really spent any time with straight white men in their 20s, so I am not quite sure that I knew it was this bad.  My one coworker thinks that the reason the police were shooting into the crowd of protesters is that the protesters shot at them first.  It's like they have no concept of the historical issues in our country.  He just keeps saying that the rioting needs to stop and I agree.  The rioting is bad.  But I don't think that the protests have to stop until there is some real progress made.  I think that actions of the police in Ferguson are ridiculous and they need to stop.  I am not saying that police are evil, I am saying that they need to be able to interact with people without wearing riot gear and shooting off tear gas, wooden pellets and rubber bullets.  I am saying that if the police shoot somebody they should be immediately investigated.  And I am saying that the Ferguson police chief needs to stop giving press conferences.  People need to be aware of the fact that we are nowhere near a post-racial society. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
So today my parents came back from a weekend away.  I am home for the summer and I have a new job, so I am working two jobs.  One of the jobs is for my mother and I didn't get over there this weekend.  She was upset, because this has been a pattern with me and I felt attacked.  We worked it out and I went to work this evening.  I got home at 3:30am and went into the kitchen to make rice, because I figured it was the quietest thing that I could make and I hadn't eat since 4pm.  My stepdad has an art studio off the living room and he was sleeping there instead of in his bedroom upstairs.  He was sleeping with the door open.  As I was making my rice, he asked me if I was still in the kitchen.  I didn't want to answer too loud, because my mother was sleeping.  He then asked me to turn off the light, because he was trying to sleep and I told him that I didn't know he was down here.  He asked me to turn off the light, because he was down here.  I said that wasn't my fault and went to turn off the light.  I turned it off and was in the dark in the kitchen when he came in saying "What did you say?"  I knew that what I had said was not entirely appropriate and was definitely because our relationship is royally fucked, but no matter what I said we were going to fight now, so I stayed silent.  He got progressively louder, so I finally answered.  I told him that I didn't know that he was downstairs, that I had no way of knowing that and I had been trying really hard to be quiet.  He said that he wasn't complaining about any noise.  (This from the man that when he comes upstairs to bed turns on all the lights possible no matter who is already sleeping.) He told me that I was a guest in his home and that I was jerking my mom around about my job.  I didn't respond to the second accusation, but I told him this was my home too.  He told me that I had to be an adult and said  "How old are you? oh yeah 22."  I responded with "how old are you?"  I don't remember anymore of the fight, but I kept telling him to go back to bed and he kept telling me that I couldn't tell him what to do.  He said that I didn't clean up after myself and that when he had gotten home, he had had to pick up my trash.  I said that I did clean up and that he's the one who has to go move everything just a little bit (which he did to one of the kitchen chairs as I was saying that.  In the middle of all this we woke my mom up and he tried to blame it on me.

I hate living with my stepdad.  This encounter made me heart pound, my adrenaline start pumping and my hands shook.  I actually cried.  He makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome.  I was here first and he has never really been able to deal with me if I am not doing exactly what he thinks that i should be doing.  He doesn't understand my relationship with my mom and that we can deal with each other.  She doesn't need his help with me, because it doesn't help.  And now the next couple of weeks are going to suck.  Because he holds a grudge like no other and I generally refuse to apologize, because he used to yell at me when I did.  Our issues extend to when he comes home for lunch and I am home.  His presence changes me from completely relaxed and in a good mood to ready to throw down.  I have to be on my guard at all times, because he can always find something that I have done wrong.  Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is part of the reason I have such a hard time connecting to people.  I don't have many friends.  I feel like people don't like me and I don't think they're wrong.  I was watching a vlog today where the girl said that people who have negative thoughts are not fun to be around and I think that is me at least part of the time. I wonder if my best friend or my mother ever feel stuck with me.  I definitely feel stuck.

I am a person and I live here too. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
Today is my second day working a new job and it is very interesting being in this position.  I have always been the person who knows what to do and what is going on.  I don't like being unable to do things I feel useless.  Also there is a problem, because I don't yet have a uniform or a log-on.  I also don't know what my salary is my impression so far has been that they are fairly unorganized.  I guess that I am used to working for my mother who is potentially one of the most organized people ever.  I am sitting here while my co-worker helps someone, unable to assist, because I don't know what to do and I don't have a system log-on.  It has been mostly slow and I really just want to go home and sleep.  This woman is a piece of work.  She thinks that she knows everything.  I actually ended up helping her with directions around town and it made me feel useful, so that was nice.  I actually know alot of the answers to the questions that she was asking which I was slightly surprised by.  I kind of jumped in front of my co-worker, but I figured that I know town better than him, because he has been here for a month and he lives and works in the next town over.  I think that I would be a much better concierge than I am a front desk person.  I know that the people are going to be high maintenance, but I am good at directions.  It was interesting looking at the map upside down.  I have never had to look at a map upside down before.  I don't know how people do it in places that they have maps without the business names on the maps.  I can't imagine being transferred by the company to a place that you have never been to work at the front desk.  I think that it would be a horror.  I need some caffeine.  I am a slight disaster.  I hate having to tell people that I am training and they are going to have to wait for someone else.  I think that it makes me look bad or stupid.  I cannot wait until I know what I am doing and I have a feeling that is going to take some time, which is annoying, because I am only here until the end of August.  I seriously am going to eat lunch and then go to sleep when I get off.  This standing all day thing is going to kill me.  Yesterday my heels hurt and now my knees hurt.  I am a person who spends alot of my life sitting, so I think that this will strengthen some of the stabilizing muscles in my legs.  I just took someone up to my first room.  They are nice.  I think that it is interesting that most of these rooms are owned by people.  It seems like a weird system.  I don't know.  Its odd.  i should be able to leave soon is my hope.  I want to be done for the day and try to get some sleep, so that tomorrow isn't as difficult. I am going to bring something fun to drink tomorrow.  Maybe I will stop at Starbucks tomorrow before work and get a venti Frap, so that I can get some sugar in my body.  Hopefully, I'm done soon.

Musings

Mar. 12th, 2014 03:26 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
Sometimes I wonder if I am a writer without an outlet.  I talk a lot and I think that I annoy people in doing so.  But when there are people around willing to pay me any kind of attention, I take advantage of it.  That is not to say that I don't have family members and friends who care a great deal about me, but I often feel like everyone wants me to shut up.  I get a subject between my teeth like the (temporary) resurgence of The Lizzie Bennett Diaries and I cannot stop talking about it.  I don't know why.  Its a little like I am trying to browbeat my audience into agreeing with me.  But it also feels as if I get something out of someone listening to me.  When someone talks to me, I pay attention.  I disengage from whatever I was doing and focus on them.  I find it frustrating that many people don't extend the same courtesy to me.  Am I really talking so much more than them?  Is what I have to say really so uninteresting?  I think I need another outlet, but I think part of the effect for me is the audience.  I think that talking makes me feel worthy, because I know there is an audience.  I write stuff here and although it is the internet and anyone could look at it no one does.  I think that my life would be dramatically improved and perhaps my relationships if I could find an additional audience.  I don't know.  Just stuff to think about.  (I read an article that made me want to write a novel.)
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
My mom just spilled wine all over the front passenger side floor mat of my car.  I overreacted and said that I wasn't going to let her drink anymore.  I shouldn't have said that.  I said it because I am still upset with her about the copying my texts and sending them to my uncle thing and because she had 4 glasses of wine tonight.

She got mad at me and told me that because I didn't know where to stop, she wasn't going to pay for my car anymore.  I tried to say to her that if I spilled wine in her car she would be very upset with me.  She said yeah and implied that was because she pays for her car.  That is a factor and I do have a free car that I am extremely grateful for, because I could not afford it otherwise.  However, the fact that I have to pay for the car to be detailed now is not the only factor.  I am also that person that this mainly effects (which is why it doesn't matter to her at all).  I have to drive that car and if our family borrows the car over Christmas I will be the person that is blamed.  I had a right to be upset, if not as upset as I was.  Despite the fact that the car is not legally mine, I consider it mine and I really don't like it when other people brake or damage my stuff.  This is not a big deal and I did overreact.  I understand why she was mad.  However, she never really apologized and she is still ignoring what she did wrong with the texting.  She seems to think that the lesson out of all of this is that she shouldn't share things with me.  I find it completely baffling that it doesn't seem to occur to her that she simply shouldn't do these things.  Then she could share whatever she wanted with me.  I know that the wine was an accident and I don't think that I was honestly reacting to that.  I think that most of my reaction was about things that I didn't get to say about the other thing.  The real problem, for me, in the fact that she clearly thinks I am being ridiculous about the texts and it is a problem for me.  If I wouldn't have told him myself, he shouldn't have the information.  I now am going to spend the whole time that my uncle is here feeling awkward.  I know that she thinks that is my fault and absurd, but it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't given him the information.

She's right.  She probably shouldn't have told me.  She seemed to think that it was a laugh, but it wasn't and I didn't need to know.  I don't understand what exactly she thought would be funny to me, but it is what it is.  I think that more than anything she should have been aware that it affected me.  I don't want to be mad at her for it, but I don't know how to work through it, because she makes me feel like we can't discuss it, because she can just declare the conversation over at any moment.  My emotions might be ridiculous and illogical, but they are still how I feel and i have a right to them.  I just feel all roiled up and icky inside. 
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 

Issues

Oct. 22nd, 2013 11:56 pm
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I feel like I bother everyone around me.  I talk too much about things that no one else seems to care about.  I know that my mom tunes me out when I speak about half the time and my new roommate doesn't really listen either.  Its' not that what I am saying is particularly important, but I don't know how to control it.  When I have a thought, I want to share it.  Its not every thought or anything, but when I do have a thought that I want to share, I feel like I am going to burst.  I don't know why it is like that for me and I try to control it.  And then I do open my mouth and I annoy everyone.  I feel like I talk too much in my classes and that everyone else much want me to shut up, but when I do shut it, I feel anxious, because no one is talking.  I am trying to work on it and I am aware of it, but its hard for me.

Also my mom and I were having a conversation this weekend about something stupid that I brought up.  It actually started about people who need trigger warnings for everything and how I think that is a little ridiculous, because the level of accommodation that some of these people expect seems impossible.  She agreed with me on that, but then started talking about musicians cancelling shows, because of a little tickle.  I don't find this reasonable, but I understand it, so it doesn't make me mad.  I think that it has to be pretty scary to work in a business where there is a possibility however small that everytime you get sick could be the end of your career.  My mom does not agree and she thinks that it is ridiculous, because not everything is about one person and they have responsibilities that they have to live up to.  I understand why she thinks that, because she is a very strong person who has her life figured out and very rarely has to ask for help.  I think that she lives up to a very high standard and she expects everyone else to be there with her and that is unreasonable.  For some reason, I have this inability to back down in situations like that.  I know that we are not going to agree and I know that to keep talking about it is only going to make us angry.  I feel that to and extent when my mom disagrees with me, she is telling me what I am supposed to think and I want to make her proud, but I don't think that, so I have a visceral reaction.  When she says that she thinks that my generation is more selfish and lazy, because I in some ways identify with this group, I hear her telling me that I am selfish and lazy.  When she tells me that these conversations between generations have been going on forever and that it only feels new, I hear her telling me that I am stupid, uninformed and young and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I am fairly certain that is not what she is trying to do, but it is what she is doing.  I often feel that despite her telling me that she is not judging me, she is judging me. I think this is because I know that she judges other people.  it is so important to me that she like me, agree with what I am doing and is proud of me even though I am a completely different person and I know that I am going to do things and have done things that she thinks are patently unintelligent.

The next morning we got in a fight, because she thinks that due to the discovery that football (fairly quickly) causes a lot of long term brain damage (and is basically a way of killing yourself slowly), we should stop playing it.  I think that it is so much more complicated than that and we cannot tell people they cannot play a sport.  I said that it is a way to deal with our base instincts and she seems to feel that we shouldn't ever give in to them at all and that if we do it is stupid.  Again I think that her expectations are very high and that most people cannot meet them.  I definitely struggle with my base instincts.  I don't hit people or anything, but I do struggle with procrastination.  I want the fun thing now even if I know it is going to make my life suck later.  I am really good at working in a work setting where I am there for a certain number of hours, but I am not good at doing projects at home or focusing at home.  I feel like what she said about base judgements in football and violent sport is in its essence a judgement about me.  I know that she is completely opposite from me when it comes to procrastination and that she doesn't understand it at all.  I know that she has no concept of why I do the things that I do or what it feels like.  I know that procrastinating actually makes my life harder, but I can't stop myself.  I can't even explain it and I feel that because she has never been like this she can't understand.

Fanfiction

Aug. 11th, 2013 04:13 am
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
You know what it the most annoying is abandoned fanfiction.  I now only read completed stuff, because it is so frustrating when people just walk away from a story I'm enjoying.  It's just an frustrating if, I am going through a fic rec list and can't find a complete fic that sounds interesting.

I definitely devote way too much time to this shit and I am sure this is entirely uninteresting.  I mean no one reads this though, so what does it matter.  I have no updated it in something like 9 months and no one said boo about it.

On another random, note I saw The Way Way Back last night and it was really good.  I was convinced it was by the same people who did Away We Go, but I can find nothing that connects them except that Allison Janney and Maya Rudolph were in both.  I felt that they played similar characters as well, but whatever.

Also, i started watching Orange is the New Black and I am in love with the character of Alex Vause.  (I think that she should hang out with Derek Hale, whom I also love.)  I think that OiTNB is great and all the characters are so well rounded and I think that the acting is phenomenal.  I know that in real life Piper got out of prison and married Larry, but I am hoping that in the show she gets back together with Alex permanently.  Although honestly, I am not sure how that would work.

I am reading alot of Sterek fanfiction and I was into McDanno at the beginning of the summer and it seems to be coming back.  My rant above was prompted by me looking for some Mark/Eduardo fanfiction.

My computer seems to be shutting itself off alot.  I am wondering if I need to shut it down more or something. I am hoping that it doesn't need to be replaced, because that would suck and I can't even imagine.  It would be so fucking expensive.  The screen just randomly cuts out and then I can't use the keys.  I have to shut it down and turn it back on and everything is fine.  I wish that it would stop, its stressful.  
halliwelsis93: (Default)
Everyone please remember to vote tomorrow.  Check tonight to find out where your polling place and make a plan.  No matter what anyone says the election is still tomorrow and if you get a phone call that your polling place has change, it is most likely false.  Exercise your Constitutional right to vote. It is so important.  VOTE.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I want to write stuff.  I really like to think up stories in my head.  Mostly, its fanfiction, but some of it is original stories and I think that it might be pretty good.  If I could get it on paper.  Which doesn't seem to be happening.  That is my biggest problems with writing.  I am good at stream of consciousness, but I am not as comfortable writing stories, because I don't think they are very good.  I don't think that my journal entries like this are very good either, but I don't think that matters that much.  I judge my writing very harshly, but since I don't let myself write, I don't know how in the fuck I am going to get any better.  It is a conundrum.  I constantly have all kinds of stories in my head and I never finish any of them.  It's pathetic.  Although that is not true, I finish the one shots, but that is because I sit down and write them the same way that I am writing this in a stream without stopping until I am done.  I think there is something wrong with me, I love to read and write, but I cannot seem to write the type of things that I like to read.  I don't even know. I think that I am going to try to write regularly again and it is not going to go well, but I shall try.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is this thing called the internet and it is a place of freedom.  Since the internet started people have been trying to control it and use it to their advantage.  But although it was created by humans it seems to be an entity all its own.  Then came along the American Government, a government that professes to be all about freedom.  They decided that the internet needed to be regulated, that it was taking to much money away from the corporations.  The problem is that the point of the internet is to be able to freely share ideas and talk about things that you love.  This incudes talking about and even sharing copywrited material.  I am not condoning downloading, I myself do not participate in it for the most part, but problem with SOPA and PIPA is that they would allow corporations to greatly restrict most of the sites on the web.  Maybe they wouldn't completely decimate websites like Tumblr and Facebook and YouTube, but I think that they would and I firmly believe that they should not have the option.  I think that the internet allows people to freely express themselves whether it is drawing or editing or writing or being a member of a fandom (although no one is a member of just one fandom).  I think to take that away would be disastrous, because the internet is outlet for the fringe groups that they have never had before and even a place for the more mainstream people to fly their secret freak flag, because everyone has one.  I think this was made so clear, by the way that the internet joined together (they can never agree on anything) and rose up against SOPA and PIPA.  The internet is important.  The internet is powerful and we can do more than that.  We have so much potential, so don't silence us.

Poetry

Dec. 2nd, 2011 10:59 pm
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I am having real trouble with my poetry unit.  Ok not really, but I have a really hard time analyzing poetry.  I feel that there is not enough there to analyze.  It's just so stupid.  Not that poetry isn't interesting.... its just that I don't understand how I am supposed to be able to tell the difference between the author's tone and the "speaker's" tone.   It fucking impossible, way harder than with prose.  I am so tired, but I have to get this done, because even though I have the day off I won't have internet access on Wednesday and there is no way I'll get this stuff done.  I mean its not that hard, I just feel like everything I say is stupid and makes no sense.  It seems to me that there is no clear answer and I have a hard time with that.  I know people say that Literature is subjective, but that not really true.  I mean no matter what you say War and Peace is not about Dinosaurs from space who blew up their planet and eat chewing gum.  Just like when I pull some of these analyses out of thin air, they don't really work.  But I so don't have the energy to find something that does work.   I have been staring at this poem for like 45 mins and I just have nothing to say about the characterization, because I'm honestly not sure that there is any.  I have nothing to say about the tone either and who the fuck I am to say whether a poem is good or not.  I honestly just wish that we had a mobile hot spot.  I would make my life much simpler.  And at the same time it wouldn't do shit to change anything.  Except for maybe I'd be asleep right now, but probably not even that.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is so much that I would say to my stepdad if I could.  I hate him.  After living with the fucking man for 10 years, I can safely say that it's not because he invaded the twosome that my mom and I had going, at least not most of it.  My mother married a jackass.  She completely failed at marrying her father if that's what she was trying to do.  My grandfather is a very smart, caring, accomplished man.  My stepdad is the opposite.  He has no employable skills.  He never graduated from college.  He was a ski patroller for many years and he was good at that, but he quit recently, because it was too hard.  He has some pretty good artistic skills with drawing, painting and photography, but he never even tried to promote himself and he hasn't done anything artistic in years.  My mom takes more pictures than he does.  He is deaf in one ear and loosing his hearing in the other ear and all he does is complain about it.  He wears a hearing aid, but only because my mom set that up for him.  He won't go out and when he does he doesn't talk and then when we get home he just complains about how everything is too loud for him.  On days that he's ot working he sleeps until 3pm.  Even I only sleep till 10am at the latest.  He only has the job that he currently has, because my mom is the boss.  That is true of me as well, but I am also pretty good at and very confident in my job.  He is neither.  He complains about everything all the time and doesn't do anything to fix it.  I hate him.  He used to scream at me like you wouldn't believe.  He even pushed me down the stairs once and choked me twice.  I have no reason to like this man.  Feel bad for him sometimes, but like him.... no.   On top of all of this, he is depressed and doesn't really do anything, besides g to work and sit at the house.  That's a little what I do too, but that's because all my friends are away at college.  All of his friends are still here, he has no excuse.  

Apparently, that makes me selfish.  Thinking that my mom is worth and deserves, so much more than this is selfish.  I'm not going to say that I don't want him gone for me as well, but Jesus Christ.... he's like the world's biggest moocher.  I think that I pay more towards the bills and mortgage every month than he does and I'm not paying that much rent.   

I can be bratty and selfish, but I'm just saying that my mom and I were getting along perfectly all day until he came home.  He changes the vibe of the house and makes me angry just by existing.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
 1. Been drunk. 

2. Touched a real gun.

3. Done drugs. 

4. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.

5. Had sex

6. Got into a fist fight.

7. Listened to Lady Gaga. 

8. Been in a car accident.

9. Gotten suspended.


10. Gotten expelled.

11. Got a computer virus.

12. Had a dog.


13. Been pregnant.

14. Camped out.

15. Swam in the ocean.

16. Wore a bikini.


17. Meet someone online in person.

18. Failed a class.

19. Read an entire book. 

20. Wore fishnets.


21. Bought skinny jeans.

22. Been in love.

23. Been cheated on.

24. Cheated on someone.

26. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex 

27. Worn makeup.

28. Been to college. 


29. Worn colored contacts.

30. Painted my nails black.

31. Broken someone’s heart.

32. Had my heart broken.

33. Cried for an hour straight. 

34. Lost something very valuable.

35. Had sex in a car. 

37. Gotten stung by a bee.

38. Eaten something bad/expired.

39. Threw up from being so drunk.

40. Owned an iPod.

41. Owned an iPhone.
42. Fell for a best friend.

43. Went away from home for more than a week.


44. Ran away but came back anyway.

45. Teased my brother/sister. 

46. Been to the hospital.

47. Lied to a friend.

48. Lied to a family member.


49. Started a rumor about someone. 

50. Cut yourself

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halliwelsis93

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