halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
I am a little ticked at my mom.  I love my mom and we normally get along fairly well.  Often, when we do not get along it is because her view of me is something that is so important to me that I am unable to let things go sometimes.

A short while ago my mom texted me and asked me what my shirt size was.  Thinking that I was talking with my mother, I responded with a long text about how I was not sure and there were all of these factors thinking that she could sympathize.  I had been struggling just before that with choosing sizes for some things I was looking at on the internet.  So i went on this rant.  I found out shortly after that she had sent to whole thing to my uncle, her youngest brother.  I was not happy and I thought that it made me look bad.  I was upset, because if I had known that someone else was asking I would have looked at the shirts that I own and wear and given a definitive answer.  I feel like I looked like a complete basket case.  Well, that was over, so I texted my mom back to explain to her why I had responded that way that I had (mainly the issue with internet shopping, but also I was on my period).  I wasn't in the best mood, but it was over.

Then today, the first time that I had seen her in person since the texting, we were out at dinner (after being unable to eat at our first restaurant choice due to computer issues) and she pulled out her phone and showed me that conversation between her and my uncle about my texts.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable, because they were laughing at me and I know that I am not the most logical person all of the time, but this felt unfair.  It was mostly fine until at the end I saw that she had sent the last text about my period.  I was horrified and felt betrayed.  It just felt like an attack and no one is supposed to know how much of a hard time women have figuring out sizes and I didn't want to look that way to him.  I expressed my horror and she says that he has a teenage daughter, so it is all fine, but its not.  He is my uncle.  I love him very much, but we are not particularly close.  I don't think that he should have that information.  I tried to express how I was feeling and she started acting like I was ruining dinner.  She finally said that she was sorry that she had told and as an afterthought that she was sorry she had done it.  She later said that she was two margaritas and a glass of wine down, as if that should absolve her.

Now my uncle is going to think less of me than he did and the opinion of my family is very important to me.  Not to mention that it is going to get brought up at every available opportunity, because my family is full of teases.  Normally, I don't mind but this going to be horrible.

I just feel so stupid and exposed.  I know that she can't take it back, but I wish she would really acknowledge how is makes me feel and take responsibility in her part of that however unintentional it was. 
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I want to write stuff.  I really like to think up stories in my head.  Mostly, its fanfiction, but some of it is original stories and I think that it might be pretty good.  If I could get it on paper.  Which doesn't seem to be happening.  That is my biggest problems with writing.  I am good at stream of consciousness, but I am not as comfortable writing stories, because I don't think they are very good.  I don't think that my journal entries like this are very good either, but I don't think that matters that much.  I judge my writing very harshly, but since I don't let myself write, I don't know how in the fuck I am going to get any better.  It is a conundrum.  I constantly have all kinds of stories in my head and I never finish any of them.  It's pathetic.  Although that is not true, I finish the one shots, but that is because I sit down and write them the same way that I am writing this in a stream without stopping until I am done.  I think there is something wrong with me, I love to read and write, but I cannot seem to write the type of things that I like to read.  I don't even know. I think that I am going to try to write regularly again and it is not going to go well, but I shall try.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
There is so much that I would say to my stepdad if I could.  I hate him.  After living with the fucking man for 10 years, I can safely say that it's not because he invaded the twosome that my mom and I had going, at least not most of it.  My mother married a jackass.  She completely failed at marrying her father if that's what she was trying to do.  My grandfather is a very smart, caring, accomplished man.  My stepdad is the opposite.  He has no employable skills.  He never graduated from college.  He was a ski patroller for many years and he was good at that, but he quit recently, because it was too hard.  He has some pretty good artistic skills with drawing, painting and photography, but he never even tried to promote himself and he hasn't done anything artistic in years.  My mom takes more pictures than he does.  He is deaf in one ear and loosing his hearing in the other ear and all he does is complain about it.  He wears a hearing aid, but only because my mom set that up for him.  He won't go out and when he does he doesn't talk and then when we get home he just complains about how everything is too loud for him.  On days that he's ot working he sleeps until 3pm.  Even I only sleep till 10am at the latest.  He only has the job that he currently has, because my mom is the boss.  That is true of me as well, but I am also pretty good at and very confident in my job.  He is neither.  He complains about everything all the time and doesn't do anything to fix it.  I hate him.  He used to scream at me like you wouldn't believe.  He even pushed me down the stairs once and choked me twice.  I have no reason to like this man.  Feel bad for him sometimes, but like him.... no.   On top of all of this, he is depressed and doesn't really do anything, besides g to work and sit at the house.  That's a little what I do too, but that's because all my friends are away at college.  All of his friends are still here, he has no excuse.  

Apparently, that makes me selfish.  Thinking that my mom is worth and deserves, so much more than this is selfish.  I'm not going to say that I don't want him gone for me as well, but Jesus Christ.... he's like the world's biggest moocher.  I think that I pay more towards the bills and mortgage every month than he does and I'm not paying that much rent.   

I can be bratty and selfish, but I'm just saying that my mom and I were getting along perfectly all day until he came home.  He changes the vibe of the house and makes me angry just by existing.
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep and I have to get up in 8 hours to go to work.  I like the job and I like working, it's just that the dynamics are hard.  I work for my mom which is great and it sucks at the same time.  The real problem is I don't know what else I would do.  The thing is that I've been at this job for the past 12 years with my mom and working for the past 6, so I know things.  Like how the system works generally and the short cuts, but at the same time that have all this knowledge there is somethings that I don't know and I make mistakes.  Also, even though I know a lot about the dynamics of the office, I don't have seniority , so I don't get to make any input into the decisions and that it just so annoying.  Plus I can tell that the girls that I'm working with only put up with me because I'm the bosses daughter and they totally disregard me because I'm 19.  The thing is that I'm more mature than them.  Specifically the two girls I've been working with the most.  The one of them has been working at the office for almost a year now and the other has just started and is training.  The one who has been working for almost a year now is really smart and hard working and dedicated and I like her.  However she and the girl who just started training are friends and when they get together they get stupid like most people do with their friends, which is fine but is hard when you've been working with them for ten days straight.  they get goofy and laugh at stupid things and most of the time they seem to completely forget that I'm there.  I need a break and to go apologize to my mom, i was rude.  brb.

I just feel so much like an outcast everywhere I go.  I have yet to find the people like me.  I found several groups of people who are almost like me, but one group is wittier and another group is more creative and this group is smarter and this group is.  I don't even know.  There girls I'm working with are in their late twenties and neither of them has any money saved.  Both are living hand to mouth and they go out with their friends every night.  I don't understand.  I guess its different personality types, but they seem so immature to me.  

I'm sure that I seem immature to them, but I just care about different things.  I think I talk too much and about things that they don't want to hear about, so they kind of tune me out.  Actually most people seem to tune me out.  It seems like no one ever wants to talk about what I want to talk about.  Especially to the depth and length that I always want to talk about things.  I've never had a boyfriend and I can't think of anyone who could survive being my boyfriend with the stuff that I like to talk about.  

I don't even really know what I want to do.  I just know that whatever I do there needs to be time and money to watch as many movies and television shows as possible.  Other than that I have no fucking clue.  I can't even decide what I want to do this fall.  Do I go back to school and try to get through that?  Do I stay here and work through the year, while I save some money and ponder my options?  If I stay do I talk some community college courses?  Or do I go to a different school for medical billing, and try to get a job like my mom's?  I have no idea.  Maybe I just need a gap year, to do nothing at all.  I think I'm kinda burnt out.  

I have not the foggiest idea.  I do know that I have to get up in 7 hours and 23 minutes to shower and go to work and I do know that tomorrow at work, I'm going to try to talk to my coworkers as little as possible.  I have no idea what I'm going to do to pass the time.   Maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness in Microsoft Word.  Maybe I'll try to write a story or some fanfiction.  I really wish that I could finish more than a one shot.  I just feel young and experienced at the same time at my job and its a hard feeling to reconcile.  I know more than people give me credit for at the same time that I know nothing.  I want to know everything.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I also wouldn't be against not working with someone who loved the Jackass films.  I'm sorry, but that makes you a fucking idiot and very uncultured and... I've forgotten the word... I guess immature fits, but wasn't what I was looking for.  I mean, yes it's sad that Ryan Dunn died so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, but a man who made a living out of doing stupid things, died doing a stupid thing.  Is that really shocking to anyone?  and that was my politically incorrect statement of the day.  I just have one more:  I wasn't really that offended by what Roger Ebert said although I think it might have been too soon.   I wish that I could just skip all of this indecision and just skip to the part where I'm really successful at something.  

A couple of more venting things about my coworkers before I go.  The trainee.... if you're hurt or sick or in pain go to the fucking doctor.... you are so fucking slow, its not that hard.... you're doing it wrong, and by wrong I mean the long way and adding extra steps you don't need.  MTY mom.... you need to either be my mom or my boss, this back and forth thing is hard, because I don't which one you are at any given moment.  The other girl.... you might have seniority over me at the front desk, but I've lived with my mom all my life and I'm worked here for 6 years and I've known my current boss for 12.  I win bitch.  To both of them together.... please stop acting like idiots at the front desk.... your jokes aren't funny.... you should include you other coworker in your stuff.  To the customers.... we are not billing you wrong..... yes you really owe us that much money..... no your insurance doesn't cover that.....  no I can't "just..."... just tell me what's fucking wrong or I can't help you.  To me.... shut the fuck up, you annoy people..... be confident.... don't worry about whether your coworkers like, but antagonize them... don't expect them to treat you like everyone else, you are the boss's daughter.... don't take everything personally, they aren't trying to hurt you.  

Most of all just breathe through the pain in 19 hours its the weekend.
halliwelsis93: (Rachel)
 1. Been drunk. 

2. Touched a real gun.

3. Done drugs. 

4. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.

5. Had sex

6. Got into a fist fight.

7. Listened to Lady Gaga. 

8. Been in a car accident.

9. Gotten suspended.


10. Gotten expelled.

11. Got a computer virus.

12. Had a dog.


13. Been pregnant.

14. Camped out.

15. Swam in the ocean.

16. Wore a bikini.


17. Meet someone online in person.

18. Failed a class.

19. Read an entire book. 

20. Wore fishnets.


21. Bought skinny jeans.

22. Been in love.

23. Been cheated on.

24. Cheated on someone.

26. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex 

27. Worn makeup.

28. Been to college. 


29. Worn colored contacts.

30. Painted my nails black.

31. Broken someone’s heart.

32. Had my heart broken.

33. Cried for an hour straight. 

34. Lost something very valuable.

35. Had sex in a car. 

37. Gotten stung by a bee.

38. Eaten something bad/expired.

39. Threw up from being so drunk.

40. Owned an iPod.

41. Owned an iPhone.
42. Fell for a best friend.

43. Went away from home for more than a week.


44. Ran away but came back anyway.

45. Teased my brother/sister. 

46. Been to the hospital.

47. Lied to a friend.

48. Lied to a family member.


49. Started a rumor about someone. 

50. Cut yourself
halliwelsis93: (Default)
 I am having such a problem right now.  I have no motivaiton to do anything.  I am turning things in late and not doing my work until the last minute.  Right now I need a camera on Sunday to film this short film that I am working on.  If don't get it in I am going to flunk out of college and my mom is going to disown me or something.  

I dread making films.  This is not a good thing, when I am studying to be a director.  I am supposed to be good at this passionate about this, because I love movies.  I love them.  Movies and television are like the only things that make me happy, besides my family.  But I have an incredibly difficult time with school.  It is very hard for me.  Not the class part, I love class, but doing homework is like pulling teeth.  I don't why its so hard for me.  I am smart capable person and I want to do well, but I just.... I have such a hard time making myself do things.  

I don't have any friends here and, so the only person I can talk to is my mom.  The problem with that is not only is she across hte country, but she is a really motivated person, so I can't truly ex[lain this to her.  How I feel.  She doesn't get it.  That isn't really her fault, because truthfully I don't understand either.  Why is this so hard for me?  I'm really good at the writing part.  I am not so good with the asking people to do me favors or work with me.  I am not a very organized person .  I can't do this.  I cannot do this.

My roommate has it all together.  She's barely ever here, but she has it all together.  She gets her homework done the night before at a resonable hour, something I think that I have only done a total of ten times in my life.  I don't even know.  I am going to try and follow her example startign with getting up every day no later than 10am.  I think that a huge part of my porblem is my sleep schedule, so new rules.  In bed at midnight, off of the computer by 1am.  I need to sleep.  I need to spend my apparently vauable time doing things like homework.  I need to spend less money and I need to get a camera for Sunday.  I need to eat more regualr meals and I need to watch less TV or at least keep working while I watch.  

I thought that this would be different.  I don't like the way that I am thought here, but I need to learn to deal with it.  I also need to find the instructions on how to work the Bolex and the light meter.  I am just not good at this.  I was supposed to be good at this.  I was talking to my mom and she was saying that I am getting ahead of myself, that I need to focus on the now ans worry about my career later.  I don't fully understand that.  I am getting a degree in what I supposedly want to do with my life and in doing so finding out that I hate it.  Isn't that a problem?

My mom says that I just have a problem with change and I think that could be a part of it.  I am totally new to this filmmaking thing and I am not instantly good at it wich is hard for me to deal with.  I just want to be done.  I wish I that I could skip all of this and just magically, have my degree and a job and a career and be successful.  I wish that I had a crystal ball or a pill that would gove motivation and focus.  

Whatever.  I need to try to go do my homework now.

Fanfiction

Oct. 12th, 2010 12:53 am
halliwelsis93: (Default)
I love my fandoms.  I really do, but I'm not an active participant in forums or really anything else other than fanfiction.  I don't want to over think and therefore ruin any of my fandoms, so I really have no desire to discuss them intellectually.  

I was sitting at my desk reading a Harry/ Draco fanfiction and I was thinking about why I like fanfiction so much.  I was thinking about all the fandoms that I read fanfiction (there are many) and the type of fanfiction that I read.  Almost all of the fanficition that I read is about romance and most of it ends happily.  I think that I am so attached to and perhaps even addicted to this type of fanfiction for a reason.  It's everything that I want in my life.  

I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I look like and who loves all of me, including my flaws.  This is everything that these stories are, but everything that I think I'm never going to have.  I'm 18 and I've never been kissed.  I've never had a guy indicate any kind of feelings towards me and I've never been on a date.  I love my friends, I really do, but around them I don't feel equal.  My best friend is a year younger and she has had boyfriends and made out.  She has even had minor stalkers and I get nothing.  Another one of my close friends blinks and she has another boy toy and was voted most secretly admired in high school.  On top of this I act realy tough, because I am afraid of people getting close.  I am the strongest personality in my group of friends and I was one of the two biggest bitches in high school, but really I want to be protected.  I am honestly afraid of guys and I don't know what to do.  I would just like to be held and be able to lean back into a big strong chest.  I want what the people in these stories have.  

I read a lot of slash and I think that's because most of it has a submissive/ dominant trend (even the clean stuff).  I am the dominant in life, but I don't know that I want to be in a relationship.  I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, because there is no way it can live up to the perfect relationship in my head.  I understand that mentally, but I am still afraid it would disappoint me and cause issues.  I just want someone to love me, because they choose to.  
 

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halliwelsis93

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