Unsure

[halliwelsis93]

 I have six days until I drive across the country to go to college.  It will my first time being away from my mother for more than the month (and the time I was away from her for a month didn't go well, I got extremely homesick).  I'm not sure I can do this.  I say that I'm independent, and I am I can do my own laundry and cook for myself and when I'm motivated I can clean and I am decent office worker.  The issue is that for all of my decisions I depend on her.  I am afraid to load new programs onto my computer when she's not home, even though I have Macbook and she wouldn't know what to do if something went wrong anyway.  I don't know if I can do this.  Ia m not the kid who can't wait to get away from home and I'm not excited about college.  Shouldn't I be excited?  I'm worried about missing my mom and I'm worried that I won't make friends.  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am a good friend or at least I think I am, but getting out of the acquaintance zone and into the friends zone is not an easy thing.   I'm worried that I'm not creative enough.  I have no good short film ideas and I'm trying.  everything I think of has been done or is based on something that has been done, so I don't feel good about it.  I can't create characters and when I try I tend to make them perfect versions of people that I  know.  I don't think that I will ever end up doing what I want to, because I don't think that I have enough creativity to creat a world like J.K. and Joss did.  I feel that I am a watcher and not even the cool kind like Giles, but that kind of person who is always on the fringe.  When I hang out with friends no matter who it is I am never really part of the group, but I'm on the fringe.  Even, when it's my best friends.  I am always the one who is weird.  I don't get it and I don't know why and I'm actually getting a little fed up.  I was over at a friend's house about a week ago and we were taking all kinds of pictures and having fun.  My two friends look great and funny and on occasion sexy in the pictures and I just look retarded.  I'm not funny at all when I m put under pressure.  I can be funny and I do crack jokes, but when someone looks at me or points a camera at me and says do something funny, I freeze.  I hate it.  It's very annoying.  I am also not ready to leave my best friend behind.  We have been friends for ten years and she is a year younger than me.  We watch almost all of the same movies and tv shows and have all kinds of inside jokes.  I don't know how I am going to make friends like that in college.  There is this bond that comes with growing up together and I don't see how I could ever be that close with someone I meet in college.  they won't have the full story.  They won't understand my relationship with my mom or where I am coming from when I speak.  I don't know how people do this.  I know that its supposed to be a growing experience, but what if I don't want to go.  I'm comfortable right where I am, which I guess is the problem.  I could happily stay here in high school for another year.  I thought I was ready to go and at the end of the year I felt ready, but now I wish I was going back to AHS.  It's comfortable and I understand it.  I was sick of it and I'm sure if I were to go back I would be sick of it again within a week, but I guess as much as it sucks, its safe.